Soooo..... Al, who I thought killed himself, didn't. His family just sorta hated me since I was the one around when everything went bad.

I moved out of my dad's place and am now living in my own apartment, going to American River College.

I met a spectacular guy one night when my friend dragged me to a club. So I gave Shawn an ultimatum that he had to show he was serious after all this time and live together (like he always said he would) or I would have to end it. So I ended it, and it really, really hurt. It made me feel not so important to him. But after dating a month and a half Aaron and I moved into an apartment together and I'm am very, very happy.

Things with my dad have patched themselves up - probably since I moved out and we don't have to see each other all the time. He's happy.

I'm gonna start writing on this again. I miss it.

My best friend from Reno killed himself. I think... I tried to call him while I was moving, but then my phone died leaving my with no numbers... then I tried his apartment, but there was no answer. I think he succesdecd in killing himself, and it's all my fault. I feel terrible, and I don't know what to do .It's eating me up inside. I have no way of communicating with him to know for sure.. but I feel in my gut that what happpned has happened.... he's gone.

... make me feel like I do...

Shawn is absolutely amazing. I have no doubt in my mind he is my one and only; and he only makes that more clear when he tells me the same. I just need to get over this annoying lump in my life and things will be gravy. I'm not gonna lie though - I hate his job. He's not happy with it, and working takes up all of his time. Just gotta be patient. The time I do get with him is more than worth it.

Family is something else. I don't even feel like going there.

Other than that I am job hunting. Wish me luck!

... she's so self-conscious....

This blog is way over due.

So on  October 30th I checked into Heritage Oaks Hospital - which was ironically two blocks from my ex boyfriend. Checking in was suppose to be quick... I got there at 12:30pm with my Dad and Bonnie, but the wait was too long so they left me alone. I started getting anxious and started popping my Klonopin. I finally got checked in at 5:30, and they slammed a mandatory 72 hour hold because I took meds in the lobby. So then I basically slept for 3 days when they weren't checking vitals or getting me up for meals. When the 72 hours was up they gave me 5250 which says they can hold me up to 14 days. So I started going to group, etc. There was no individual therapy or anything helpful like that. So on my 7th day I discharged myself.

Since then my family is convinced that I am depressed and have some "serious issues". I'm not depressed. In fact I'm out with friends almost every night. The other day when I got home from an all nighter my brother Brian chewed me out

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You're stressing dad out with your bullshit. If he dies it'll be your fault"

After that I went upstairs and just cried. Then he knocked and knocked and let himself in. Sitting on my bed trying to be comforting. But he just pissed me off. So I called my sister. Almost word for word Dad, Bonnie, my brother, and my sister lectured me and whatnot. So no one is any help. They're all against me.

Lately I've been hanging out with a high school friend named Peter. He and I do acid, smoke DMT and have sex. He's a really good friend. He listens to me and I listen to him. The second time I smoked DMT I turned into a cat. I had ears, claws, fur, and sounded like a cat. It was incredibly awesome.

I miss Shawn, haven't heard from him in a while, I miss him like crazy.

... or let me make my decisions....

Sooo.... things have sort of fallen completely apart.

a) fights with dad have gotten more frequent

b) I have no money

c) I am having emotional problems that are affecting everyone

d) I had to drop out of college

Solution: Right now I want to get level headed; I think the best option for me right now is to go inpatient to a mental facility.

.... stay with me, you're running away, you're running away.....

Well - I had my surgery on my cervix for the cancerous lesion and everything went a-ok. They didn't see any more cancer, and recovery was slow but not terrible.

I spent my 19th(!!!!!) birthday in the ER. My doctor for fibromyalgia discovered that my blood pressure was low (80/74) with an incredibly high pulse(154) and insisted I see my doctor. I called the doctor office and my doctor was on call. I gave the receptionist vitals and then she phoned the nurse. The nurse told me it sounded like dehyderation and to pull over and get a gatorade. So I did that and made an appointment to go in the following morning.

Well - this morning was much worse. I was 76/50. So on my birthday I got two EKGs, set off the code blue alert multiple times, and had the crash cart sitting next to my bed. Eventually the nurse would just come check on me and see if I was awake. None of the doctors or nurses I had seen stats like mine on a conscious, mentally aware person.

But I found a pattern - the more active I am the lower it gets, if I lay in bed for hour or two it goes up. Hnmm.

... you tell me what you want and I'll tell what you get, you get away from me....

So with my new found will to change my life I have decided that I can't keep secrets that eat me up inside. One of the secrets is that I was molested by my neighbor, Brett, molested me from ages 6-11. The green is me, and red is him.

[05:44] A Shot of Irish Cream: Hi.
[06:13] A Shot of Irish Cream: We have talked in a long time, but my life has been drastically changing. One of the changes is not keeping any secrets: new or old. If I could go back and change what happened... I would've pressed charges. I can't do that now because too much time has passed; but I can let what you did to me be known.
[06:21] A Shot of Irish Cream: Do you have anything to say? Will you at least acknowledge what I told you?
[07:03] Brett: sorry i was away from my keyboard let me know when you online next time. hope your doin ok cya
[07:03] *** Auto-response sent to Brett: In class
[08:47] A Shot of Irish Cream: I'm on.
[09:01] Brett: hey there
[09:02] Brett: is that your back? i just got one on my back rescently
[09:02] A Shot of Irish Cream: I just needed you to know.
[09:04] Brett: lol whats come over you....did you go to aa or something. wheres all this coming from. you wont talk to me anymore except about this shit. i ddint do anything to tramatize you, whatevers goin on in your life you should take responsibility for and not blam others....even you say you would press charges is retarded you had nothing to press them with i did nothing
[09:05] A Shot of Irish Cream: No AA.
[09:05] Brett: all i was was nice to you when others wernt if you remember right. i was loder then you and i always was nice to you
[09:05] Brett: did you forget all that
[09:06] Brett: older*\
[09:06] Brett: sorry my typing my monitor is far away from my desk atm
[09:06] A Shot of Irish Cream: I'm not pressing any charges.
[09:07] Brett: lol what would you press anyway......i didnt rape you or anything i dont know where this is coming from
[09:07] Brett: why would you even say this shit in the first place
[09:08] Brett: ive always been your friend and i havent even really hung out with you sense i was like 15
[09:10] Brett: sorry if im not more understanding but your talking crazy, youve had a rough time in life sometimes and i think your making things bigger then they really are.  ..i hope things go well for you i really do,
[09:13] A Shot of Irish Cream: I'm not keeping secrets anymore. You may think what you did was nothing, and I did allow you to think it was nothing. But your actions affected me then, and even more now. I'm sorry we share the same secret, but my half of the secret is coming out.
[09:19] A Shot of Irish Cream: Do you understand now?
[09:30] A Shot of Irish Cream: I would really like to know that you understand my reasoning.
[09:39] Brett: no i dont and i have no idea what your talking about and i think you are a little crazy if i may say. im sorry youir goin through withever it is that your goin through. as far as im concered your fucking goin nuts....i would understand if what your saying made sense i think your blowing shit out of propoortion.  i dont even know what to think about what your saying. if it will help you then
[09:39] *** Auto-response sent to Brett: I am currently idle.
[09:41] Brett: i understand and i hope all is well for you. otherwise please just leave me alone from here on out. i think your letting your feelings about what has happened in your life take over your memories.  thik about how we got alone back then and try and move on. good bye
[09:41] *** "Brett" signed off at Mon Sep 10 21:41:49 2007.

I am pretty sure I couldn't ask for anything better to happen. Well, wait, yes I could. If would take responsability... but how can you expect a 23 year old to be mature? When I first confronted him he took the blame like man, now he's scared.

I plan to tell my sister first. I'll update it.

... the devil has my ear today, I'll never hear a word you say....

I don't know if any of you are wondering about my absence... but here's the basic story without getting into painful details.

Aaron and Victoria, who have been mentioned in my blog before (check 4th of July of last year) on and off, and our relationship has been on and off. I lent them money when he had a collapsed artery. Then they invited me to come down during the 4th of July week. I wasn't feeling good and backed out. The night before I was suppose to come up I got a call with him chewing me out. So I called him back and said I was on to come down even though I'd have to pay for a place to stay.

I get there... and from the beginning I can do nothing right. Then he takes my debit card and uses my car for whatever he wanted. This included forcing me to smoke meth - even though it made me vomit. Because of the fights I had panic attacks which were, according to him, me being selfish.

He spent over $430 on my debit card, and overdrew my account $220.

Overall... I hate them. I wish I had never met them.

.... and I swear I'll do my best to comply....

I was sad, so I went and got two tattoos.

Now I think I'm happy.

 I really just want the cancer to go away.

... because it's all that I know how to do....

The surgery date has been set:

October 2, 2007 at 11:15am, check in time is 10:15am.

It's not as soon as I hoped for - but it's better than nothing.

.... when you turn back....

I have HPV.

I have ALL the HIGH RISK strains of cancer-causing HPV.

I have a lesion on my cervix slightly larger than a dime.

I have a lesion that has pre-cancerous and cancer cells.

I have cervical cancer.

I'm having surgery to remove the lesion and surrounding area.

I have a wonderful prognosis.

But I still have cancer.

I know I haven't updated in a long time - there is a reason. When I have time I will elaborate.

...take me far away...

Okay. So I did my research of thyroid nodules in adolescent females. My chances of it being thyroid cancer is 20-30%.

... but the drugs like me...

My perscriptions so far:

Lithium - 1200mg

Seroquel - 800mg

Klonopin - 4mg

Remeron - 30mg

Allegra - 180mg

Birth Control

Inhaler

One more medicated peaceful moment....

.... because it's a short piece of time...

News:

My dad and Bonnie have set a date to get married: August 8, 2008.

My dad has told me to look for a place to set up permanent residence because he is selling the house.

When my dad sells the house next summer none of my boxes are going with them.

I feel so down and depressed - and I feel like I can't tell anyone. Sydnie always tells me she'll always be here for me, but the last few days no one has been around I feel like there is nothing stable in my life. I really just want to go marry Shawn and say fuck it to my entire family. The person I am to my family isn't the person I really am; they will find out eventually, why not now? Besides, I wanna marry before my dad re-marries.

Or before I die.

The doctors discovered "two thyroid nodules of significant size to warrant a biopsy". "Nodule" is another way to say unknown mass. I have two unknown masses on my thyroid - and I'm scared. I can't tell anyone I'm scared either.