My best friend from Reno killed himself. I think... I tried to call him while I was moving, but then my phone died leaving my with no numbers... then I tried his apartment, but there was no answer. I think he succesdecd in killing himself, and it's all my fault. I feel terrible, and I don't know what to do .It's eating me up inside. I have no way of communicating with him to know for sure.. but I feel in my gut that what happpned has happened.... he's gone.

... make me feel like I do...

Shawn is absolutely amazing. I have no doubt in my mind he is my one and only; and he only makes that more clear when he tells me the same. I just need to get over this annoying lump in my life and things will be gravy. I'm not gonna lie though - I hate his job. He's not happy with it, and working takes up all of his time. Just gotta be patient. The time I do get with him is more than worth it.

Family is something else. I don't even feel like going there.

Other than that I am job hunting. Wish me luck!

... she's so self-conscious....

This blog is way over due.

So on  October 30th I checked into Heritage Oaks Hospital - which was ironically two blocks from my ex boyfriend. Checking in was suppose to be quick... I got there at 12:30pm with my Dad and Bonnie, but the wait was too long so they left me alone. I started getting anxious and started popping my Klonopin. I finally got checked in at 5:30, and they slammed a mandatory 72 hour hold because I took meds in the lobby. So then I basically slept for 3 days when they weren't checking vitals or getting me up for meals. When the 72 hours was up they gave me 5250 which says they can hold me up to 14 days. So I started going to group, etc. There was no individual therapy or anything helpful like that. So on my 7th day I discharged myself.

Since then my family is convinced that I am depressed and have some "serious issues". I'm not depressed. In fact I'm out with friends almost every night. The other day when I got home from an all nighter my brother Brian chewed me out

"What the fuck do you think you're doing? You're stressing dad out with your bullshit. If he dies it'll be your fault"

After that I went upstairs and just cried. Then he knocked and knocked and let himself in. Sitting on my bed trying to be comforting. But he just pissed me off. So I called my sister. Almost word for word Dad, Bonnie, my brother, and my sister lectured me and whatnot. So no one is any help. They're all against me.

Lately I've been hanging out with a high school friend named Peter. He and I do acid, smoke DMT and have sex. He's a really good friend. He listens to me and I listen to him. The second time I smoked DMT I turned into a cat. I had ears, claws, fur, and sounded like a cat. It was incredibly awesome.

I miss Shawn, haven't heard from him in a while, I miss him like crazy.

... or let me make my decisions....

Sooo.... things have sort of fallen completely apart.

a) fights with dad have gotten more frequent

b) I have no money

c) I am having emotional problems that are affecting everyone

d) I had to drop out of college

Solution: Right now I want to get level headed; I think the best option for me right now is to go inpatient to a mental facility.