Elle's MindSay Blog

Too early for a kitten to be up...

babydoll — 2003-06-29T01:06:00-05:00

I was up till 3am. :\ I had fun talking to a few people on yahoo, always interesting. I went to bed at 3:15, fell asleep, got sick at like, 5am. That sucked. After I got done throwing up I went back to sleep. I think someone called at 7:00, but my dad got it. Then my aunt called at 8:00, I had to answer, and bring him the phone. Bringing him the phone involved me getting covered up, going downstairs, outside, and to where he is putting together a shed. So I went back upstairs to bed. 10:30, another call, cover up, downstairs, etc. I told him I wasn't answering the phone anymore. So, upstairs, back in bed, 11:30, I can hear the phone ringing, one, two three, four rings. Bastard didn't even answer it. Blah. And even in the middle of this post, someone calls. So I left the phone out there for him to answer. Blah. Last night I was downloading a music video "Kitty" by the United States of America. Well, I left it to download, came back an hour later and my computer had been invaded by mass amounts of porn. :: gag:: It was sort of interesting, but, blah. I hate when people mislabel stuff like that! It happend when I tried to download "Stitches" by Orgy, too. Grrr. Then my dad accused me of downloading porn, which I'm not stupid enough to get caught with that.
I have no clue what I'm doing today. Probably just hanging around. There really isn't much to do around here unless you're 18, which I won't be for a good three and a half years. :\ It's cool that I'll be 18 early when I get to my Senior year, though. I'l be all cool and stuff. :D

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough...

babydoll — 2003-06-29T07:06:00-05:00

..I'm a little bit rusty...
My dad and Tracy worked on building a shed all afternoon. Then they came in, and decided to take a nap, together, in the same bed. :: eye roll :: So, eventually they got up. I went to my bathroom to pee, because of my need for tampons. I'm peeing and Tracy walks ino my room.."Oh, you're in here!" "Uh, yeah" *no shit*, she left, I took care of the tampon buisness, go downstairs. She goes upstairs, into my room and grabs a blowdryer. She could of just asked. :\
Later we went to drop Tracy off at home. We went out to eat at Chili's. It was pretty good. So we are driving her to her place, and my dad says "I ate too much, I am so full. I should purge" Tracy:"No, don't do that" dad: "You know, she use to do that" I reallly, really want to just erase things he knows. So I flick his shoulder hard with my fingers, his response was "Oh, was that a secret?" Then he goes on to say how stupid it is, with Tracy agreeing. :: growls:: So we drop her off, and drove home. We haven't said anything to each other since, except him making me water plants. I wish I had some soy ice cream, that would taste good right now. It's been sooooo hot here. It was 93 today. Too fricken hot! :( I need to listen to love songs. This chick Brianna likes me, I think. Day-vid says she does, but I'm not sure. It'd be cool to have a girlfriend, only problem is that she lives sort of far from me. :(

MEMORY SPEW: North Carolina mornings before school..

babydoll — 2003-06-29T10:06:00-05:00

I was going through all the songs on my KaZaA and came across "Last Resort" by Papa Roach. When I was in sixth grade I went to a year round magnent school. I was track one, so I started July 11. I caught a 6:10 bus, so I got up at 5am, got dressed, and went downstairs. I would turn MTV on while I was getting ready. I always saw "Last Resort"-Papa Roach, "Kryptonite"-Three Doors Down, "Never Let You Go"-Third Eye Blind, "She's So High"-Tal Bachman. Every morning I saw these videos. Then I'd walk to my bus stop, listening to my Antichrist Superstar CD by Marilyn Manson, and freeze my butt off. The bus ride was fourty-five minutes long. When I got to school, I went to the cafeteria and ate a quick breakfast, which was usually a plastic bowl of corn flakes and a muffin. It wasn't bad. I always ate with Marcus Williams, he was my first crush, and all he ever would be. Then we walked together to our classes. First period, music with Mr. O'Neal, my first gay teacher. Second period, English with Mrs. Kromenacker, she gave me my first D, she was an Eglish Natzi. Third period, Math with Mrs.Day, I got to do independent study since I could do the math on my own easily. Fourth period, History with Mrs. Faulkner, this was my favorite class. Then we had lunch.At lunch we had assigned seats, I sat by Marcus and Daniel. After lunch came sixth period, Science with Mrs. Griffin, boring class. Seventh period, health/PE with Mrs. Forte, that PE was cool. Eight period, band with Mrs. Fulton, I never liked playing the Clarinet that much. Then school was out at 2:15,caught bus 8, came home arond 3:15, watched TV and did homework, ate dinner, watched TV with my Mom and dad, and went to bed. Every day was like that, and I was happy.

Huzzah!

babydoll — 2003-06-30T06:06:00-05:00

I know this isn't good, but I have wonderful lying skills when needed. My dad believed me, and I'm not in any trouble. Do you have any clue how relieved I am? I couldn't eat all day, what I had eaten before I had to throw up, and blah. I had bread with butter, and some cottage cheese for dinner. If I'm allergic to dairy, I will die. I eat cottage cheese soooo much. It's good stuff. I had my friend, <3 Jim<3, told me how to clean out cookies, etc.. So.. I love him. I owe him a big favor. :) He deserves it, though. Anyways, blah, I was so scared. I cleaned out everything, deleated anything and everything that could be incriminating. Go me. :)I lost stuff I liked a lot though. Like a story I was working on. I'm gonna make someone send it back to me. I need to finish it!!
Jim gave me a wonderful idea, I should write a novel. It would be the perfect teen angst novel, because it would secretly be about me. So, shhhh! when it hits Top Ten Best Sellers list, please. :D That would rock. I was thinking I could start with the move from North Carolina to Rocklin, CA and go up until this point. It will be interesting, lots of angst, and bad things always happening. <3
I'm hella tired, we had workers here starting at 7am. I hadn't gone to bed until 5am... so I listened to them until noon, and got up. They made to much noise. When I was making my lunch, they were staring at my through the kitchen window like they'd never seen a girl in a white tank top and lime green pj shorts. Oi. I talked to Brianna today, she really wants to come with us to the fire works stuff at Cal Expo. Blah. I'd rather stay in and make my own fire works. :X But, that's just me... My dad said he'd have to ask his gf if it'd be okay. :\ Bah, what a pain in the ass.
<3

::yawns and crawls into the closest lap::

babydoll — 2003-07-01T04:07:00-05:00

I was up till 2:30am, and slept like a rock. That is, until the landscapers came. :\ They kept waking me up and stuff. So I drifted on and off from sleep until 10am. Then I suddenly remembered an important email that had to be written. For some reason, I thought it'd be late. :\ Even though it wasn't. So I finished that up, let Leno call me, talked to him for a bit, then went back to bed. At eleven my brother Brian called. "Hey little sister, it's your big brother calling to bug you" :) So I talked to him for about a half hour, then went back to bed. Then my dad called, asking me to put in a load of towels and stuff. After that I went to bed. When I woke up again, it was 3pm, and I had missed 6 calls, according to my phone. Blah. People, I like to sleep. So, that's how my day went so far. Then I tried to fry okra, that didn't work. So I settled for half a cup of the insta lunch noodle stuff. So I'm content, even though my stomach isn't.
I finally found out when I'm coming back from Peru, I will be back on... the 15th of August... There, now all of you can relax and rejoice my return. Since I know you will grieve at my depart. :) But enjoy me while I'm here, because when I'm gone I will relax, and forget about ANY AND ALL worries. I don't deserve stress. Stress-shitty. Shitty stuff doesn't fly well with me. :D My dad is going to a counselor today. He said he needs help with his 'grief'. :\ Oi. So I'm betting that tonight when he comes home, it'll be "On a scale of one to ten, how was your day?" and my answer will always be 8, because it bugs him. Then he'll want me to be emotionally open with him, which I will never be. Because he is him, and I am me. We do not mix well. Two different worlds, one house, not that good. At least I'm a peace keeper.

Mmmm... cheez-its You want me, you cannot have my cheez-its!!

babydoll — 2003-07-01T09:07:00-05:00

My dad has decided to get 'net-nanny' to prevent any future incidents. :: eye roll :: Oh well. I asked for a laptop, he looked into having a trade in... our computer is worth $171. He was pretty upset about it. But I mean, I *did* tell him he should get it traded in sooner. So, oh well.
My dad thinks I'm depressed. :\ Which I am not, anymore. He didn't notice it when I was, but he notices it when I'm not. What a jerk. So now he wants me to see a counselor. Mostly because it 'really disturbs' him that I choose not to believe in God. I have that choice. Then he starts trying to push guilt on me.
"Your mother believed in God, ya know" "She knew she was with God before she died, remember when she said that?" I said no, she didn't tell me, you told me. "What? She didn't tell you?!" So, blah. Then he said that if I wanted a laptop going to counseling on a regular basis is what I'd have to do to get it. What a load of bs. So, his reasons for me to go to counseling to talk about life. What would I talk about? I like mine, hope you like yours, I could give chicken shit about anyone else who doesn't affect me. I honestly dislike counselors. Every single school year I have to see the school one for something. :\
3rd grade: Concern about teasing (just asked if it bothered me too much)
4th grade: Concern about how I feel about moving (if I was okay with it)
5th grade: Concern about my Mom's illness (If I was coping okay)
6th grade: Concern about me not talking (Had to go to a group thing twice a week for about three months)
7th grade: Dad asked the school to check up on me
1st time: Mom left for a month
2nd time: Mom died
3rd time: Teasing
4th time: Follow-up
8th grade: Purging ( which was/is none of their business)
Counselors = trouble
Anyways, tonight I went to a movie with my dad. We saw 28 Days, which I liked. My dad left a few times because it got too gory for him. Poor him. I liked the gore.<3
I'm suppose to go to the doctor tomorrow. For my headaches, and since something I'm eating keeps making me sick. I can't figure it out. On top of that, I've hella lost my appetite. Oh well. Life goes on. :) I'm content.
<3

Very interesting conversation...

babydoll — 2003-07-01T11:07:00-05:00

I talked to my ex, Mike, tonight. His girlfriend cheated on him, he seemed upset about it. I feel bad for him. They've been going out since he dumped me, which is.. nine months, I think. I can tell he likes her a lot. I hope everything turns out for the best for him. Although if I was him, I would of dumped her. Cheating is a big no-no. Although, he felt that I had sort of cheated on him when Taylor and I fooled around, Taylor is a girl that I sort of slept with last July. He didn't tell me it bothered him, and that bothers me. He said that breaking up with me was a hard decision, which is kind of cool. I wasn't a push off, but then again, no one else has ever done that to me. Except for Dani, but he doesn't count because he didn't have a good reason to break up with me. Anyways, Mike said he wants to smoke and/or drink with me sometime. Which would be hella cool. He was nice to hang around with, at least that's how I remember him. I want to smoke with him soon, later this week or sometime next would be cool.
<3

And I have honored your request for silence....

babydoll — 2003-07-02T12:07:00-05:00

... and you washed your hands clean of this!...
I went to the doctor at ten. Told him I was having problems with my headaches, idigestion, and acne. For my head aches, he said I'm getting mild/moderate migraines. So he told me to try tylenol for a few days, and if that didn't work he'd call in a perscription. For my idigestion, he told me to keep a log of what I eat and when I get sick. I really don't wanna do that. I can live. I'm almost positive I'm allergic to something, just need to get an allergy test done. For my acne, he said I have the most mild kind of acne (although it bothers the hell out of me) so he gave me two perscription creams. I hope they work. The creams make me more sensitive to light though, which is bad because I already have a really bad time with sunburns and whatnot. When he was checking out my eyes, he said I have big pupils, so that is another characteristic of sun allergy I have. Go me?
My dad is being a dick again. Surprise? No. Pain in the ass? Yes. He had said that going to Ozzfest would be okay. Now he is saying he is unable to take me, and if I were to find a ride, he would have to meet the parents, talk to them, etc. Which means I can't go with a friend that drives. Then he starts saying how I shouldn't even be friends with anyone in highschool, even though I've dated three that were. He knew and met them. I can't wait till I'm able to get away. I hate living with him. If he were to die, I would go to my Uncle in Seattle, WA. Or, if I wanted, my sister in Dallas, TX. Both of which I would really, really, want. But what's the likelyhood, er, luck, of that happening to me?

Muhahahaha!

babydoll — 2003-07-02T12:07:00-05:00

You are the Marquis Da Sade. Even stripped of
exaggerations, Your real life was as dramatic
and as tragic as a cautionary tale. Born to an
ancient and noble house, you were married
(against your wishes) to a middle-class heiress
for money, caused scandals with prostitutes and
with your sister-in-law, thus enraging your
mother-in-law, who had you imprisoned under a
lettre de cachet for 14 years until the
Revolution freed you. Amphibian, protean,
charming, you became a Revolutionary,
miraculously escaping the guillotine during the
Terror, only to be arrested later for
publishing your erotic novels. You spent your
final 12 years in the insane asylum at
Charenton, where you caused another scandal by
directing plays using inmates and professional
actors. You died there in 1814, virtually in
the arms of your teenage mistress.
You are a revolutionary deviant. I applaud you.

Which Imfamous criminal are you?
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Please die Ana...

babydoll — 2003-07-03T07:07:00-05:00

...For as long as you're here, we're not...
I got up at ten, went downstairs, watched a little TV and took care of some buisness. At noon I decided to eat some lunch, so I had Special K with strawberries cereal. So I ate that, decided to take a shower. Went upstairs to purge, purged... and then there was blood, again, which isn't cool. That means I have to stop for a few days, which also isn't cool. So I showered, came downstairs to grab clothes out of the dryer and my dad is home with his gf. Blah. So I didn't get to do much. Got dressed, did a few chores, chatted online. At dinner tonight I asked my dad what we were gonna do tomorrow, and the agenda is
12:00- lunch at Chevy's with his gf and gf's family
After lunch-dinner: Card games, board games, etc..
Dinner: Grilling stuff
After dinner: Going to Cal Expo to watch the fireworks
Watch the fireworks... I'd rather be lighting the damn things off!! What point is there if you can only watch them and not take part in them? It's gonna drive me crazy. :( At least I don't have to be outside all day. :: sighs:: Long, boring day. :: collapse:: Nothing happened, this drives me nuts. I'll probably take a bath tonight and finish my book.
<3

Oooo.... guess who's gonna get new clothes?

babydoll — 2003-07-03T09:07:00-05:00

I am!
Item: A Perfect Circle Cat T-Shirt
Item: Bauhaus Bela Lugosi Is Dead T-Shirt
Item: Coldplay Album Cover T-Shirt
Item: Lord Of The Rings Orcs T-Shirt
Item: New Order Ceremony T-Shirt
Item: Peter Murphy Photo T-Shirt
Item: Tripp Black With Royal Stitch Strap Pant

Yay! Go Elle! And this amounted under $200, which is good, think about it, seven shirts and one pair of pants for about $170. It was good. Go me. So I have to wait, now. I wish I had picked three day shipping, instead I got the 7-10 buisness days. Maybe it will come early for me, because obviously I am wonderful. This is the first time I've ever ordered clothes online. :: giggle:: I'm excited.
I need sugar.

My fourth of July

babydoll — 2003-07-05T02:07:00-05:00

9:30- got up
10:15- showered
11:15- left for Chevy's
12:15- Tracy and her daughter's family arived late.
1:00- left to go to Tracy's
2:00- Started playing Patience ( I didn't win out of three games)
6:30- ate dinner
7:15- left for park
7:30-8:50- took Taylor on rides
9:00- grabbed a corn on the cob
9:30- Fire works went off
10:10- Fire works are over
10:15- headed back to Tracy's
11:20- got back to Tracy's, and ate pie<3
11:55- Got home
12:00- read a bad email
1:30- went to bed

The fireworks were great. We were fifty feet away from the platform, and they were the BIG fireworks. It was neat. My migraines weren't too bad, dad bought me extra strength tylenol, so that works for about 3 hours. So, that's good. :) :: sighs:: It was a long night when I got home, a friend of mine broke her back, but she's okay now, so, blah. I worry too much.

Rawr?

babydoll — 2003-07-05T10:07:00-05:00

Bondage Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Dark obsessions in the name of love...

babydoll — 2003-07-06T05:07:00-05:00

...The addiction we're both apart of...
Sleeping with Rick was bad. I screwed up things beyond belief with someone I thought was out of the picture. I can't believe it is turning out like this. I regret what I did an would do anything to take it back. I will regret this for a very, very long time, if not the rest of my life. I shouldn't have done it, but I did.
A beloved pet was thrown into on coming traffic because she left a present on her owner's rug, which he wasn't happy about, obviously.
In a sentence, that is exactly how I feel. I don't know what to do to make things okay, I screwed them up really bad...
On the lighter side...
I watched my new favorite movie last night. Lolita, the 1998 version. It was really, really good. I <3 it.
Today, dad took me to Dimples, and I bought two new CDs.
Exciter-Depeche Mode
and
Frogstamp-Silverchair
I'm listening to Depeche Mode at the moment, keeping myself calm.. :: sighs::
Head aches suck.

Survey stolen from Tristan<3

babydoll — 2003-07-06T06:07:00-05:00

Survey:
[x] Spell your first name backwards: ellE
[x] Are you gay? Neh, not really.
[x] Where do you live? Sacramento, California, and in Tristan's lap
[x]Four words that sum you up? Sexual, loving, honest, submissive

Describe your:
[x] Wallet: Black leather with studs
[x] Hairbrush: Black rolling brush
[x] Tooth brush: Blue
[x] Jewelry worn daily: Collar
[x] Pillow cover: Purple
[x] Blanket: Christmas blanket, goose blanket
[x] Coffee cup: None
[x] Sunglasses: Black
[x] Shoes: Cheap boots from Big 5 Sporting Goods
[x] Handbag: Neh
[x] Favorite top: My Inca Kola shirt
[x] Perfume: BCB Girls: Metro
[x] CD in stero: Frogstamp- Silverchair
[x] What are you wearing right now:Care Bear shirt, red bra, red thong, baggy black jeans
[x] Hair: up
[x] Make-up: Black eye-liner, black mascara

Who or what (is/are/was)
[x] In my mouth: Retainer, it's black with silver sparkles
[x] In my head: Guilt beyond belief
[x] Wishing: I hadn't screwed up
[x] After this: It will be a long time since I started this
[x] Talking to: Pangy
[x] Eating: Nothing, drinking flavored water
[x] Fetishes: Whips, canes, flogger, candle wax, sm, etc.
[x] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason: Leah, for saying things about my Mother and spreading rumors that I killed her.
[x] Person you wish you could see right now: Aaron
[x] Is next to you: A lamp
[x] Some of your favorite movies: Lolita, Reqiem for a Dream, The Cure, The New Guy, Quills
[x] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month: Going to Peru and Brazil
[x] The last thing you ate: Chicken fajitas from Chevy's
[x] Something that you are deathly afraid of: Cancer, and dying in my sleep
[x] Do you like candles: Yes
[x] Do you like hot wax: Love it
[x] Do you like incense: Sort of
[x] Do you like the taste of blood: Is this a trick question?
[x] Do you believe in love: Passionately
[x] Do you believe in soul mates: Yes
[x] Do you believe in love at first: Neh, gotta make sure he's not an idiot.
[x] Do you believe in Heaven: Nah
[x] Do you believe in forgiveness: Yes
[x] Do you believe in God: Whatever
[x] What do you want done with your body when you die: Cut into pieces, played with, cremated and spread along Flathead Lake
[x] Who is your worst enemy: Leah
[x] What are some of your favorite pig out foods: Pretzels, and Cheez-Its
[x] Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time: Aaron comes to mind... :: sighs::
[x] What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow: See Aaron

"Never Ending"-Onesidezero

babydoll — 2003-07-06T09:07:00-05:00

it feels like a lonely day
it seems like a throw away
and everything is a sad reminder of the way we could be together
it feels like a lonely day

never ending, a never ending day, a never ending day

there will be a next time
in my heart, in my mind
i see me beneath you
before the truth can seep through
this is so contagious
and every day it changes
there will be a next time

shape turns a false display
hoped for a holiday
a sequel to the memory of her, and the day we laid together
it feels like a lonely day

(chorus)

It's over.
It hurts.

Wouldn't be nice if we were older?::Then we wouldn't have to wait so long.. :: yawns

babydoll — 2003-07-07T03:07:00-05:00

Then we wouldn't have to wait so long..
:: yawns:: Sleeping is overrated. I read three books after I left for the night. "Cathedral of Vampires", "Sips of Blood", and "Masques and Martyrs" I kept myself entertained, but eventually fell asleep. I should see how long I can stay awake, ought to be interesting. If I can go a week, then I can sleep for a few days before I go to South America. Neh, maybe not... The patio in the backyard was finally finished today. All that's left is putting in grass and plants. So we'll no longer have a backyard made of rocks.
I talked to Curtis for a little bit last night. I'm hoping to hook up with him later this week, that'd be nice. He still loves me, so that's good. :) <3 I love him a bit, too.
Up until this point being young hasn't been much of a problem, other than 'jail bait' accusations. There have been more and more times that I wished I was 18. Living on my own. Being able to go out when I pleased, have whoever over without worries. Living in an apartment in Seattle would be lovely. Room mate? Maybe. With a room mate there could be problems, especially when it comes to coming and going when I want to. But, I'm not 18, so why bother? I should just put a lot of things that I've gotten into the last three years on hold for the next four years. Then I'll be 18, legal and able to without causing too many issues. For my 18th birthday, I want to get my tongue pierced. I really want to get my nipples pierced soon, that'd be nice.
I had an interesting dream last night. I was in the mountains, able to live there with a friend of mine for the winter. I was taking a group snowboarding lesson. The instructor's name was Ian. After one lesson, he started putting his arm around me, we went to his cabin and then things started happening. I'll leave that to your imagination. I wish things like that happened to me. Being the only Lolita is someone's eyes. Being something adored, taken care of... and loved? I know I had a chance at that, and I ruined it. :: sighs:: I regret needing to be loved, I should stick to my nymphet needs.

And the Northern girls with the way they kiss...

babydoll — 2003-07-07T07:07:00-05:00

... keep their boyfriends warm at night..
Eh, went to fill my acne prescription, got that taken care of. Went with my dad to look at outdoor crap for our patio. Went to California Backyards, Costco, and Wal-mart. At Wal-mart I got a red tank top, plain black shirt, and a red shirt that says 'hottie'. Good, cheap stuff. While we were there Nell called me. She talked about how she was really depressed now, etc... :( Poor thing. Her and Mike (not my ex) had broken up for a day, but got back together. She seemed really upset about that. I don't blame her though. I would be, too.
Neh. I want to go smoke with someone. Curtis has a gf, and I don't know about asking Mike.. bleh. The rest of my smoking buddies either have jobs that test, or moved out.:(
<3

Neh..

babydoll — 2003-07-08T12:07:00-05:00

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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My decision concerning: Nipple piercing

babydoll — 2003-07-08T04:07:00-05:00

I found someone who will pay for the supplies, and I'm going to pierce my nipples. Yes, pierce them, all the way through, both. Yesh.. This was my summer goal, and doing it will wonderful. I am really excited about this. :D I should have it done by next week. I've been smiling and giggling ever since. :D:D:D I'm gonna use barbells. The ones I bought have flame balls, uber sexy with pink nipples, eh? It'll hurt, but I can handle it. :D
<3

Toucha, touch, touch me!

babydoll — 2003-07-08T11:07:00-05:00

I wanna be diiiiirty... !
I have to go to the dentist tomorrow at 8:40am. :( Then, my dad is making me walk home. It'll be 103 degrees out tomorrow. :( Yuck. I got some new cloths... two long sleeve shirts, a short sleeved shirt, a tank top, plus five thongs. One is pink with butterflies, flames, white, crimson, and a purple ie on. :) Sexy.

You need someone older and wiser...

babydoll — 2003-07-09T03:07:00-05:00

... telling you want to do, I'm 17 going 18, I'll take care of you...
Seriously, this song was created to enforce the stay at home mother/homemaker stuff. Hehe..
Boys do not know the proper care for a little girl. I am 14, going on 15, innocent as a rose. ;) I went to the dentist early this morning. The lady that was cleaning my teeth is the mother of a kid that made fun of me at Granite Oaks. I made sure to tell her all the good stuff. Even better, I confirmed her feeling that Billy, Taryn, Allison, etc... were bratty girls. :D That brightened my day. Plus, I am cavity free, as expected. ::curtsies:: Go me. At noon I went with my dad to pick out plants and flowers for the backyard. Neh, that was okay, he picked the ugly trees, but, oh well. Then we headed home around one. I took a nap, got up, then I laid down when I got a headache. Neh. I'm really content with how some things worked out. :D

Storm clouds may gather, stars may collide...::... but I love you, until the end of time... :: le sigh

babydoll — 2003-07-10T05:07:00-05:00

... but I love you, until the end of time...
:: le sigh:: I feel really good today. I slept in till 12:40, had gone to bed at 2am. I washed towels, emptied the dish washer, and cleaned my room. The workers laid sod until 9:30 last night. The yard looks really good. :) Much better than it did before. Been listening to love songs most of today... then my dad called. He had lunch with Tracy today. She says that my father is raising me wrong, that he is too loose with me, I do not have the right values, and that I don't do enough to help him out...
A) I wash my clothes, and towels when need be.
B) I clean up my dishes, and dishes I dirty when I make dinner or eat something.
C)My room is not spotless, but it is decent.
D)
1.Considering the fact that I care for myself in almost every aspect, except being financially supported, I am a good kid.
2. I make sure I eat right, have proper hygeine, and good mental health. I one or two that look out for me, but who else does? Certainly not my father, although he may think he does.
E) Values, I value trust, honestly, health, my talents, friendship, and good doing. No, I do not value any sort of God. I believe in Karma, I give my good, and I get my good.
F)Is this from talking to in depth? I think not.

A final thought, my dad could just be saying this to sucker me into doing house work, spending time with him, and/or going to church. All three I do not think I need to do. I don't value family, any living family. What have they done to give me any value of them? Nothing. Nehhh!
<3

When I said 'we', you know I meant 'me'...

babydoll — 2003-07-11T07:07:00-05:00

...And when I said sweet, I meant dirty...
Slept in till 12:40 today. 'Twas good. But I was up an hour earlier than that, my dad was home, and I didn't want to see him. I still haven't asked him about Tracy. Nehh... I'll eventually ask. Just not now. My dad and I wanted to go to a movie tonight. Pirates of the Caribbean was sold out, so was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. So we decided to go to Borders. I got the new Shadow Saga book by Christopher Golden, it's called "The Gathering Dark" I hope Mary Anne Mitchell comes out with a new book soon. I liked the other ones I read; "Sips of Blood", "Cathedral of Vampires", "Qunched". They were good-plus they got me into Marquis de Sade. :D I also want Michel Faber to write more books! I read "Under the Skin", and "The Crimson Petal and the White" by him. I let Dani borrow TCPatW, then he dumped me and moved. I'm gonna buy the paper back, it's $15, I paid $36 for the hard back. :\ Bastard. I looked around for Lolita, but I couldn't remember who it was by, and the only person that tried to help me was this guy who kept flirting with me. >.< So I got this book, and the new Marilyn Manson CD. He was also my cashier, so when I went to pay he said:
Him: "So, you're buying this for a friend?"
Me: "No, for me"
Him: "Hehe, gotta love spooky kid friends"
Me: "No, it's really for me"
Him: ":: stares:: Oh, I see"
Heh, talk about a dickhead. Oh, well, serves him right for not helping me find the book I wanted. :P I guess tomorrow I'm not babysitting, but I will on Sunday, I think. I think I might head to the computer place later, around 8pm. That'd be nice. :) Sometime next week, before I leave, my dad and I are having dinner with his new boss and new boss's wife. >.< Nehh... Good stuff.

Cotton case for an iron pill...

babydoll — 2003-07-12T12:07:00-05:00

... Distorted eyes, when everything is clearly dying...
Farrett loves me. <3 He messaged me at 9:20..
Farrett: "Wanna go to a movie?"
Me: "Now?"
Farrett: "Yeah"
I asked my dad, and he said yes. Which I didn't think would happen. But, yeah. Rockage. We went at saw The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. It was cool. It had Mina Harker(from Bram Stoker's Dracula) in it. Got home around 12:20. Not too bad. :)
<3

Who is that girl I see? Staring strait back at me...

babydoll — 2003-07-12T04:07:00-05:00

...why is my relfection someonne I don't know?...
Mmm... sleeping in till noon... <3 My dad went out and bought a grill, finally. So now I can grill chicken to my hearts content. So tonight for dinner, he decided stirfry would be good. >.< We have a grill, we should use it. I'll convince him otherwise. He got the grill together, then notices that the grill cover thing has a dent that caused a hole. So we went back to Wal-mart and picked up the top from the display. Then he decided that he *needed* ice cream. Heh. So we went to Baskin Robins. He got a double scoop of Pralines and Cream in a waffle cone, and I had Maui Brownie. It was good, had macadamian nuts, brownie chunks, and fudge in chocolate ice cream. <3 I'm finally sorting out clothes. Stuff I want, stuff I don't, etc... and finding lots of sock. o.O It's odd.I have old junk that I want, but have no place for now. :\ Which makes me sad.

Could you let down your hair, be transparent for a while?...

babydoll — 2003-07-13T09:07:00-05:00

...Just a little while, to see if you're human afterall...
It seems my brother is getting a divorce. Sonya, his wife, wants to move back South. He was doing everything he could to do that for her. He was accepted for a job in Atlanta, Georgia, but I guess that wasn't close enough for her. They got into a fight, and Sonya threw a plate at him, the plate missed and broke. Since Sonya had a baby before she met him, Chris never adopted her kid... so he'll have no rights to her. Haley Rebecca, my neice, is the sweetest little girl I've ever seen. Whenever it was time to go from our house back home, she threw a temper tantrum when she had to say good bye to me. Kicking... screaming... pulling hair... crying... everything. I'm gonna miss her so much. :: Sighs:: She's sweet.
My father and I went to see Pirates of the Carribean... the movie with Johnny Depp in it... :: grin:: I kept thinking about how nice it would be to snuggle up to a certain someone... he knows... I'm his little girl. 0:) It was really good. :D Graphics are neat.

I never wrote you a love song, somehow words could no express what I needed to say...

babydoll — 2003-07-14T11:07:00-05:00

.. and so I never wrote you a love song, and now it's much, much too late 'cause you've gone away...
So.. Chris and Sonya are NOT getting a divorce. Jeezy Creezy. Here I thought I was going to lose my niece one day, and the next I'm not... two words: Marriage counselor. Seriously, they need to see one. Rawr.
I got new clothes today, again.Yes, I'm spoiled, but my dad brought it up. Mostly because he was play tripping me, and actually tripped me, which caused me to fall into a bunch of flowers at Home Depot. Went to Mervyn's for the first time. I got a pink pair of ADIDAS shorts, black ADIDAS pants, green army shorts, and a regular black swimming suit. Good stuff. Came home, help my dad put a table together and that was it.

My Life: The Ellecat Story

babydoll — 2003-07-15T03:07:00-05:00

01) Opening Credits: "You Get What you Give"-New Radicals
02) Waking-Up Scene: "No Rain"-Blind Mellon
03) Average-Day Scene: "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"-The Beatles
04) First-Date Scene: "Wasted and Ready"-Ben Kweller
05) Falling-In-Love Scene: "Love You Madly"-Cake
06) Love Scene: "Breakfast at Tiffany's"-Deep Blue Something
07) Hardcore Fuck Scene: "Slave to Lust"-The Mission UK
08) Fight-With-Friend Scene: "Special"-Garbage
09) Break-Up Scene: "You Make Me Feel Like a Whore"-Everclear
10) Get-Back-Together Scene: "I'll Be"-Edwin McCain
11) Fight-At-Home Scene: "Self Deception"-Lacuna Coil
12) Depressing Scene: "Sometimes Wanna Die"-Joy Drop
13) Depressing Drunk Scene: "Hurt"-Johnny Cash
14) Life's Okay Scene: "Don't Tell Me"-Madonna
15) Heartbreak Scene: "Marilyn, My Bitterness"-The Cruxshadows
16) Im Going To Get Them Back Scene: "Trying"-Lifehouse
17) Im Ok With It Being Over Scene: "Last Beautiful Girl"-Matchbox20
18) Mental-Breakdown Scene: "Emotion Sickness"-Silverchair
19) Driving Scene: "Black Whole Sun"-Soundgarden
20) Lesson-Learning Scene: "Airships"-VNV Nation
21) Deep-Thought Scene: "Feathery Wings"-Voltaire
22) Flashback Scene: "Everybody Hurts"-REM
23) Getting High/High Scene: "'Cause I Got High"-Afro-Man
24) Party scene: "If You Don't, Don't"-Jimmy Eat World
25) Happy/Crazy Dance Scene: "Friday, I'm in Love"-The Cure
26) Night Driving Scene: "Return"-The Cruxhadows
27) Regret Scene: "3 Libras"-A Perfct Circle
28) Long-Night-Alone Scene: "Miss You Love"-Silverchair
29) Death Scene: "Simple Kind of Life"-No Doubt
30) Closing Credits: "Slutgarden"-Marilyn Manson

Never knew I could feel like this....

babydoll — 2003-07-15T05:07:00-05:00

...Like I'd never seen the sky before...
My dad and I had pizza for dinner. I had mine with tomatoes, and he had sausage and mushroom. So we were sitting down, eating dinner and watching the news... there was a girl my age that was raped today. It was on her way home. So my dad starts saying how I should take some self defense classes, etc... then says.. "Do you have any questions about sex?" Gah, no, no, no! I know more than you do, I don't need to ask! And then, he insists that I should ask.. gah, yuck.

Oh yeah, you're skin and bones... turned into beautiful...

babydoll — 2003-07-16T11:07:00-05:00

... You know, for you, I'd bleed myself dry, for you I'd bleed myself dry...
Woke up around 6:30am with a pounding migraine.:\ Threw up in the bathroom for a couple hours. Laid in bed till 1pm, got up and signed online, still unable to see out of my right eye. Talked to a certain someone<3 who was upset with me for not wanting to go lay down. Of course, me being a brat and sick of laying down argued. >.< This earned me a call, which was more bad than good, although it was probably better than what I would have done. So I went upstairs, took a nice, long, hot shower. Came downstairs, ate a hot pocket, laid down and watched TV for a little bit. Talked to him<3 for a little while longer. Then my father came home. He had cube steak that looked nasty, and I grilled myself a chicken breast<3 Chicken is what I like to eat. Especially grilled or fried chicken. I could survive on chicken strips. Then we later went to the store so we could get laundry detergent and my waters. I also picked up some soy ice cream<3 We got home, and my father insisted that I sit and watch TV with him, so I watched That 70's Show, and left. He said it will be my fault when he shrivels up and died. XD Good, what am I doing that I could do more of?
Only five more days till I leave for Peru. <3 I'm gonna have much fun.<3<3<3<3<3 Is it time to go, yet?? :( Hurry up and come!!

On that starry, starry night....

babydoll — 2003-07-17T03:07:00-05:00

You took your life, as lovers often do.
Neh, I didn't sleep very well last night. I was restless all night, and woke up with my neck hurting. Rob called around 11:30, woke me up. Tsk... tsk... tsk... ;) But he had to go. I fell back asleep and didn't get up till 1:30. I eventually got up after getting off. I did some wash, then took a shower, got off again. ;) Came downstairs and made myself lunch. I had fresh green beans, with mushrooms cooked in butter, cottage cheese on the side, and a glass of milk. After I ate my lunch, I made myself a chocolate soy milkshake. <3 Yummy stuff.

"You Belong to Me"-Lifehouse

babydoll — 2003-07-17T11:07:00-05:00

See the pyramids along the Nile
Watch the sunrise from the tropic isle
Just remember darling all the while
You belong to me

See the market place in old Algiers
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome, too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome, too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember 'til you're home again
You belong to me

:: yawns and stretches like a cat::::Meeeeeeeeeeow? :: rubs eye sleepily

babydoll — 2003-07-18T11:07:00-05:00

Meeeeeeeeeeow? :: rubs eye sleepily::
I got up at 9:15, worried that I'll sleep in too long, I kept getting up every 20 minutes. Then, once I got to sleep, I had a bad dream. That's what I get for watching news about Iraq at night. :\ 'Twas a scary dream. I'm starting to get back on track to sleeping regularly, thanks to the help of someone<3.
Spanish sucks. I want to learn Latin. Dammit.

Ewwwwwwww

babydoll — 2003-07-18T02:07:00-05:00

You are the Mullet!

What 80s Fad are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

"You Got it Bad"-Usher

babydoll — 2003-07-18T10:07:00-05:00

Oh, no, no, no, no..........

When you feel it in your body
you found somebody who makes you change your ways
like hanging with your crew
said you act like you ready but you dont really know
and everthing in your past- you wanna let go

Ive been there, done it, fucked around
after all that - this is what i found
nobody wants to be alone
if you're touched by the words in this song
Then baby.....

You got, You got it bad
when your on the phone
hang up and you call right back
You got, You got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life's off track
you know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
you dont wonna have fun
its all you think about
You got it bad when you're out with someone
but you keep on thinking' bout somebody else
You got it bad......

when you say that you love 'em
and you really know
everything that used to matter dont matter no more
like my money, all my cars
(you can have it all back)
Flowers, cards and candy
( I do it just cause I'm...)
said im fortunate to have you gurl
i want you to know
i really adore you
all my poeple who know what's going on
look at your mate, help me sing my song
tell her im your man, your my gurl
im gonna tell it to the whole wide world
ladies say im you gurl, your my man
promise to love you the best i can

see i've been there, done it, fucked around
after all that - this is what i found
everyone of ya'll are just like me
it's too bad that you cant see
that you got it bad...hey

You got, You got it bad
when you're on the phone
hang up and you call right back
You got, You got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life's off track
you know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
you dont wonna have fun
its all you think about
You got it bad when you're out with someone
but you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else

You got, You got it bad
when you're on the phone
hang up and you call right back
You got, You got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life's off track
you know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house
you dont wonna have fun
its all you think about
You got it bad when you're out with someone
but you keep on thinkin' bout somebody else
YOU GOT IT BAD!!....

Just remember when a Dream appears, you belong to me...

babydoll — 2003-07-19T01:07:00-05:00

... and I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too...
It's 1:20am, for almost two hours I haven't been able to sleep. I tried sleeping pills, reading, looking at light, and gave up. What you did was wrong. The first time you had all the reason in the world, but this time, you had no right, yet. What you asked of me wasn't right, it was unfair for my comfort level. I have friends on AOL that I respect and think of highly. I respect their privacy, and you didn't respect mine. I'll be here until you decide to unblock me. I deleating you off my list, if you block me, you don't want to talk to me, obviously. You're free to IM me when you find out you'll never find one that will make you as happy as I could of.
-slave

Honesty is a hard attribute to find, when we all want to seem like we've got it figured out....

babydoll — 2003-07-19T01:07:00-05:00

... let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue, don't have all the answers...
Neh, clothes shopping. :\ I don't like having to do that with my father. Constantly he suggests things he knows I do not like. For instance, tan. He'll pick out something tan and tell me I should try it on. Gah. Then looking for sandles, he picks up clogs and tells me how cool those are. What a dipshit. :\ I saw stuff I liked, but I don't like how they fit. They're not too small or anything, it's just how they are shaped. Anyways, what I got:
2 pairs of pants, one olive, one black.
1 pair of short, black
8 thongs, purple, pinks, blacks and whites.
1 pair of sandles, black and pink
1 handbag, black with silver and red
1 new CD player
2 new CDs, Shrek soundtrack, and the old Lifehouse CD
1 new book, Lolita :D Finally. <3
My brother and his wifey are going to a timeshare convention thingy, so I get to play with Haley. In the mall, I started to feel so bad. At first it was an upset stomach because I hadn't eaten yet, then it was being light headed and feeling like I was going to faint, now it's just a headache. I didn't sleep enough last night. I didn't get to bed till 4:40am, then I didn't sleep till 6:15am, and I got up at 9am. For only getting three hours of sleep, I'd say I'm functioning well. I still feel like shit about yesterday though, and I still think it was wrong and unfair. :\
<3

Lo. Lee. Ta.

babydoll — 2003-07-20T09:07:00-05:00

I'm gone tomorrow morning, I'll be home until 1:30. If anyone wants to call or anything, do so between now and tonight. :P Miss me, and email me. Last year I came back with only two emails from friends. :'(

Raaaaawwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrr

babydoll — 2003-07-20T05:07:00-05:00

Meow? I'm at Karleen's place for the night, and then tomorrow morning at 6am I leave for the airport. It's gonna be a loooooong ride, but I have my two books, and my CD player. Plus on the plane last year, they had entertainment centers, which was really neat. :) Of course, on my way there, my controller was broken. :( No tetris for me. :( I went and saw Karleen's broad way production at Sierra College. It was uber cool. I had fun. Anyways, if anyone wants to call, feel free to. 916-541-1540 <3

And I'll be so alone without you....

babydoll — 2003-07-21T03:07:00-05:00

... maybe you'll be lonesome too...
So, blah. I am at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport, in the Admiral's club. :: big grin:: Her dad travels first class for everything, but we get to stay in Coach. Allllll alone. Reading Lolita, still, I love the book. :) I can't wait till we get to Peru, it seems to be taking forever. We have Spanish Lessons while we are there. A plus, Karleen will sleep on the floor, and I get the bed. Score. :D I wanted to call my sissy to see if she'd come see me while I was at the airport, but I haven't gotten around to it. :\ Oh well. All right, one e-mail. :( No fair. No one loves me. :'(

Hey everyone

babydoll — 2003-07-23T03:07:00-05:00

I´m sure everyone misses me, and better appreaciate me writing back. These Spanish keyboards are evil. I can´t find buttons and symbols I want. :( Eeeek. Anyways, the plane ride was good. It was nice at the admiral´s club. I can hardly wait to go to Brazil. We are at Mark´s office. Just went to the Inca Marketplace. I got a new sweatshirt made from Alpaca, yes, that´s Llama, and a couple finger puppets.

So.... how you doing?

babydoll — 2003-08-07T04:08:00-05:00

Hi everyone, long time no write.
Anyways, I am in Brazil right now. I´ve been to Salvador, Belo Horizontes, and Rio de Janeiro... right on Cococabana beach. Jealous? Things are good. I have bought a ton of stuff, and still have 80$ left, go me. Brazillian and Spanish key boards are a bitch. Karleen and I sort of had to play baby sitter to her dad´s gf´s kid. BIG BRAT. She was horrible, Kar and I couldnt get away from her for a minute of fun. Oi. By the way, oi means hi in Portugese. I´m picking up some of it. Blah. I am now a certified scuba diver. I did my final dive it a storm, impressivem, eh? I also got sunburned, yes, you heard it. My shoulders and up to my knees, very ugly. Boys aren´t that cute, not really looking though. Although from the sound of some things, maybe I should. :/ So, what is everyone up to? I´m sure some of you miss me. :P Meow.

Storm clouds may gather, stars may collide....

babydoll — 2003-08-12T09:08:00-05:00

... but I love you, till my dying day...
La de da de da. Karleen and I have been watching The Simpsons and South Park for the last two days :D Very nice. We are going to Jockey Plaza today, fun, fun. Purrrrrrrrr. I am horny as hell. No chances to get off, nothing to get off with. Ahhhg! It's hell. ::sigh:: I need to. My brother Jon is gonna be there when I get back. My brother Chris, his wife, and my neice are staying in a hotel while he is training for his new job. Then they'll move away, and I won't see Haley anymore. Grr. :(

Gods and Angels and Devils cry...

babydoll — 2003-08-17T06:08:00-05:00

... stare into our crying eyes. Fire and Anger and Hate beguile, look into your heart tonight...
All right, so I'm home safe and sound and irritated. Remembering why I was so excited to leave home for a month. Coming back was okay. Problem, my bag was went through. I had put my boots in the side, and when I opened, my bag they were on top. Also, my gems aren't there. >.< I'm pretty sure I didn't leave them in Peru, but if I did, Mark won't be too happy. Also, a few necklaces I bought aren't there. Dammmmmmmmmnit! Anyways, I start school tomorrow. My first day of highschool. I'm freshmeat, I mean a Freshman. :: giggle:: I still don't know what I'm gonna wear tomorrow. I got my test scores back, I scored above average on only one thing, and the rest was up in the 90's. :D My reading level is 12 out of 13. Go me. :) I got my glasses today. And that's about it for now. I'm content. Just lonely.

My First Day of High School :D :D :D :D

babydoll — 2003-08-18T04:08:00-05:00

All right, so I got up at 5:30, showered, dressed, all that jazz. I wore my gray Coldplay shirt, baggy army shorts, one of my new bras, a pink thong, and boooots. Got to school, hung out with Brittany until the bell rang. Went to my first period class, which is CP Biology with upper classmen. :) The class seems like it'll be boring, glad it's in the morning. My next class is.. DRIVERS ED! I, have drivers ed. I feel like Tom Hanks.. "I made fire!" It's gonna be cool. I got a seat next to the wall so I can lean back and be comfy. Last year they had this 400lb 6"2 convict come into class to talk about the juvenile judicial system. From the sounds of it, last year scared the kids, and he might come back this year. Eeek. Next, I have second lunch. Then PE. My last class is Math. It seems like it'll be a breeze.. plus my Math teacher is kind of cute. Heh. Oh well. I'm pretty sure he's gay. I have all male teachers this year, very weird. I've never had that before. I've never had more than two male teachers per school year. Hehe. I met a few new people that seem really nice. The upper classmen are cool. I had quite a few introduce themselves at lunch. Good stuff. They had a ralley today, the teachers did their own cross dresing version of Summer Love from Grease, it was funny. I'm content. My first day of Highschool was uber cool, I pray that the rest of them are the same.

Turned away, in disgrace...

babydoll — 2003-08-19T06:08:00-05:00

... felt the chill upon my face...
Today was regular bell schedual, so the classes were longer. My biology table is Darwin. Go me! :) We get to record a commercial advertising Darwin's breakthrough in biology, which would be Natural Selection. GSR is all right, had a rather long assignment tonight, which sucked. In PE, we got our lockers, no big deal. At lunch I hung out with a whole bunch of friends, went around asking upper class guys "Got bubbles?" Entertaining... Ariele is now riding my bus. She was fourty-five minutes late the first day, and five minutes late today... her first class is GSR, and the teacher is picky about tardies. I am going to go try out for a school play tonight. It's called Noises Off. I have no clue what it's about, but I think tonight they are doing an introduction to the play, and tomorrow is the actual acting, but, I don't know. Grr.

So I put the reciever down, and pick up the paper?

babydoll — 2003-08-19T08:08:00-05:00

No, you put down the reciever down and pick up the Sardines!
All right, play auditions when rather well. There are four girl parts, and five boy parts. There are 20 girls auditioning. I want to get the lead, which is Dottym and I think I can do it. Everyone, wish me luck. I have auditions tomorrow, too. 6:30ish to 9:00. The play is about a play going on. It is really funny.
Eeeeeeek!

Where good girls go to die, that's where I'll be....

babydoll — 2003-08-21T04:08:00-05:00

... waiting for my love with my heart on my sleeve...
Yeah... six seniors, two juniors and a sophomore made it into the play. No Freshman. Growl. That made me sad. But the rest of my day went all right, I guess. CP Biology went by fast, Elenore and Shelly are cool. GSR went by fast, listened to him talk and then started on our big homework assignment. PE was stupid, we worked on our team skilles, making flowers. Then I had lunch with a few friends, walked around, etc. Then math class, just working from the book and practicing for the test, easy stuff. My drivers ed homework will be looooooooong. :( Growl. I have to identify and answer all these questions, four sheets. He said it takes kids about three hours, usually. Grrr! My brother is gone for a few days, staying with a friend. Tomorrow night, I leave for boy scout camp with Karleen and her Mom and mom's boyfriend. Neat stuff. :: yawn:: I need someone to cuddle with. The end of the month will be tough. On the 27th, it will be my Mommy's birthday. Then a day or two after that, we spread my great Aunt's ashes. :( Sadness. Heh, my first day of highschool... my Mom was there for everyone elses, except mine. Graduation, first dates, first dance... except mine...

You know you got it bad when you're stuck in the house..

babydoll — 2003-08-22T03:08:00-05:00

... when all you think about...
I <3 Usher, sort of. Today was good. We recorded the commercial for Darwin using finger puppets, it was cute. Went to GSR, sort of hung out and listened to the teachers stories. In PE, we stretched, then walked the mile and a half course. >.< Mondays and Thursdays, we run a mile or a mile and a half. Shit. :\ Then I had lunch. There were no more tables left outside, so I stole one from a few juniors. "You can't sit here, we're upperclassmen" "Like hell I can't" Hehe, I sat down, and so did a few friends, they didn't care. :\ What a butt munch. In Math, we took an uber easy test, then a worksheet, and then we played 100. You cannot say a number that has a 3 or is divisable by three. I almost won. :\ But I didn't. Oh well. :) Rode home on the bus, there was this cute guy, he's a senior, 18. Nice guy. Anyways, tonight I leave at five to go to Karleen's, I'm going to boyscout camp with her. WoOt. Hehe. Good stuff.

Close my eyes.....

babydoll — 2003-08-24T04:08:00-05:00

... let the whole thing pass me by...
Boyscout camp was cool.
Saturday-
8am- breakfast
9:30am- arts and crafts
12:00pm-lunch
1:00pm- rifle
2:00pm- shotgun
3:00pm- archery
4:00pm-rope course
4:30pm-water stuff
5:00pm-dinner
6:00-log sawing
WoOt.
8:00- campfire
It was fun, Karleen and I had a good time. Weee.

Please die Ana, for as long as your here, we're not...

babydoll — 2003-08-25T08:08:00-05:00

.. you make the sound of laughter, and sharpened nails seem softer...
Today went all right. It was so fricken hot, though. In Biology we went to a freshman class meeting, and took notes afterwards on the Scientific Revolution. In Driver's Ed we were correcting papers, boring stuff. In PE, we ran 1.5 miles. Yuck, I hate running, it hurts my ovaries. Poor ovaries. When I'm on my period, they swell, and I can feel them. It's really weird. We have to run the 1.5 miles on Mondays and Fridays, and the 1 mile is on Wedsendays. Icky. I went into math early for some help. Mr. Gaul was impressed with me. Tee hee. Tonight I got a refill on my birth control, and a new pair of sweat pants. Lovely, eh? Came home, did my homework, and decorated my two binders. I put quotes from Lolita on both of my binders. I <3 Lolita.

Why is my reflection someone I don't know?...

babydoll — 2003-08-26T08:08:00-05:00

... Somehow I cannot hide, who I am, though I've tried...
All right, school is awesome. I like it. I actually like it. There are a sort of group of people that seem uber neat. They know who Eddie Izzard is, so how bad can they be? ;) Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, so I'm gonna dress up. I'm gonna wear a black skirt, and a peasant top. Go me. :)

Wouldn't be nice if we were older?...

babydoll — 2003-08-27T08:08:00-05:00

... and we wouldn't have to wait so long...
So, I dressed up. I wore a black skirt, and a red velvet top. It didn't make much difference. All day I physically hurt, but emotionally I was numb. Blah.
Heh, Chris gave me head phones. Mine were giving me trouble yesterday, so he gave me a pair of his. He's nice.
In Biology, I microwaved the grasshoppers for a lab, that was a little morbid. Then, in Driver's Ed, we were discussing DUIs, which turned into Heroin addicts, then to how some perform sexual favors for heroin, then to male prostitution for heroin. Heh. Good times. Then in Math, we went from Egypt's average marrying age to statatory rape, to all that good stuff. Came home, it was nice. An easy day, just with a threatening rain cloud, that's all. Oi.

I can't believe in hell, but I got to believe in heaven...

babydoll — 2003-08-29T04:08:00-05:00

...I wouldn't sleep at night knowing you were somewhere better...
Today was good, went by fast. :) Not too much going on. Yesterday we ran the mile. Yucky, I got 13:04 on it. >.< Eeek, I'm heading to the computer place in a bit. But, that's about it.

Rarw

babydoll — 2003-08-30T09:08:00-05:00

Anyways, went to Benicia today to see my Great Uncle for his 90th birthday. We had lunch, and watched a video memorial for my great Aunt. It was nice. :) Lunch sucked though. It was chicken alfreado. Yucky. I saw Day-vid at the computer place... neh, I think I pissed him off. :( Bad days suck.

All must answer!

babydoll — 2003-08-31T04:08:00-05:00

Yay! Meow meow meow meow

babydoll — 2003-08-31T09:08:00-05:00

Anyways, today went all right. My dad and uncle went to help Chris pack his truck for moving to Atlanta. I don't get to see Haley anymore, except on holidays, maybe. My brother Jon left this morning,finally.

Did you think it wouldn't hurt? Did you think I wouldn't feel?

babydoll — 2003-09-01T06:09:00-05:00

....When the world came falling down...Or maybe you didn't think at all and that's why i feel what i feel now...

Today was long, but it was nice. Uncle John, Aunt Marilyn, and my dad went to Sutter Creek for the morning. They came home at noon, went to lunch while I was showering. Then they came back around 2:00. They Left for the airport at 3:00. Dad and I went to see My Boss's Daughter with Ashton Kutcher in it. It was funny.

TO: Aaron
It seems the same thing comes up with you every time we talk. It's the same arguement with the same answers. Then there is twisting my words into something I did not mean. You're a dick. Ever since you asked for my password, and I didn't feel it was right, you've acted like a dick. There, I said it. I said how I feel. It's a password. One word. I talk to about 65 people. One ex, a few Doms I've met over the years, good friends, girls I like, friends from school, and guys I flirt with. What insight does that give you? Insight, that's total bull shit. What insight do you need? There is me, that's it. But ever since you've gotten mad at me, you've made me feel worthless, and put me in defense mode. Fight or flight. I considered both. I could have just told you to fuck off and blocked you. I chose to fight for what I felt was right. Right now, in the mood I am, would you feel comfortable if I had a sharp object near your package? No, I don't think you would. Because I could do damage. Having my password to AOL, could do damage to me. What if you got mad at me? You could do damage too. When I first met you, I thought you were an incredible Dom. I liked how you treated me, and acted around me. You never said anything about my sn being an issue. Then it came up. I told you how I felt about it, and you kept pushing me to give it to you. Trying to force me into something doesn't work. Physical orders are something else. Remember, I was talking to another Dom when we met, and I willingly shut off communication with him to please you. I thought that'd at least mean something to you. But I guess not. So, with that, I would like to say thank you, and fuck you. I can do better. Have a nice life, I will too.
-Elle

But the suns been kind, when I wrote this song...

babydoll — 2003-09-03T06:09:00-05:00

... it's for people like you, that keep it turned on....
Blah, it is Collaboration Day,which means school doesn't start till 9:15. I arrive at school around 7:20. The busses run their regular schedual. So, I get to sit at school until 9:15. Anyone who wants to call me, please do. I need the company. :: pouts:: Last night, I wanted to go to an 18 and under club with Ariele, my dad wouldn't let me. :: cough DICK cough:: So instead, we just went out to get material so I can attempt a poodle skirt for the Decades Dance. Wish me the best of luck. :\ I'll need it. Oi...

Scars are souvenirs you never lose...

babydoll — 2003-09-03T04:09:00-05:00

...The past is never far...
Sleepyness. :\ Chris, Glenn and I walked to Jamba Juice from school, it was mission for them, just a walk for me. :D I'm glad I don't have sibs at my school. :D I got a Berry Lime Sublime. So much for hanging out with a friend this afternoon.. blah, oh well. My dad has a date, but she called, so it seems that plans may have changed. :\ So much for a nice quiet night. I have homework in every class tonight. :\ Oi. Anyways, scew sewing a poodle skirt. I'm just going to go in the 80's decade. I <3 the 80's anyways. :P I'll do 60's next year, probably. :X ;) It should have rained today, but it didn't. Tomorrow is the mile run. Yuck. We did body fat in PE... I'm like, huge. :X Grr.

I'll be your crying shoulder, I'll be love's suicide...

babydoll — 2003-09-05T11:09:00-05:00

... I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life...
So, the last couple days I've been working on a pair of pants I've been sewing. I finished them today just in time for the Decades Dance, which was neat0. The pants I sewed were maroon cordiroy to begin with, then I widened the leg with stretchy black and silver star material. It looks awesome, every one told me so. :P Dad said he'd give me a midnight curfew. <3 hardc0re. This could be fun. I'm going to a concert Saturday night. I'm gonna see the Goo Goo Dolls with Farrett! Eeee! I'm excited. This will be my second concert. Very, very cool. I'm spending the night at his lake house with him, his sister, sister's guy friend, and parents. It should be fun. His Mom loves me. <3 Which is nice. :) Oi, I'm tired. Lots of dancing. This morning in Bilogy, I was almost dead alseep. I kept dozing off. :\

And if I have to live my life without you forever...

babydoll — 2003-09-06T12:09:00-05:00

... I can close my eyes and dream of you...
I had a dream last night. It was weird. We (my Mom, dad, friends and I) all lived in a mansion. There was a place where every one went to get molded. Their inner beauty was now on the outside. My dad got uglier and fatter, this girl at my school turned into a boy (which she wants to be) and I was turned really pretty. I had a black cat, but he seemed to be someone, just in the form of a cat. One day when I came home, I looked around for my Mom in every room. She had cancer in my dream. She couldn't make it to the mold machine to make here all better. I went to her, she had a yellow cloth over her head. I told her that I was scared and really worried. She said not to lecture her on how I'm worried, and call dad to come home. I could hear her, and see her perfectly. She said she wasn't okay, and that she was burning up from a fever. :: sighs:: Then, the phone rang and I didn't get to finish my dream. :'(

Do you think you're better than me?

babydoll — 2003-09-07T07:09:00-05:00

... do you wanna kill me, or befriend me?...
Goo Goo Dolls concert was awesome. The opening band was pretty good. I got a tee shirt, and it was neat. Farrett tried to teach me to wakeboard, but, I still can't get up. I pulled muscles in each of my arms, which hurts like hell. Then we came home, and it was fun. :\ Except some bad news for a friend. :\ <3 to you.

Just skin, oh yeah you're skin and bones....

babydoll — 2003-09-07T08:09:00-05:00

... turned into something beautiful. For you, I'd bleed myself dry...
We went to walmart to get some film developed. It was an old roll we found in the garage. It was pictures of my first Christmas. There were quite a few of me, and then there was one of my Mom and me. She was looking down at me, smiling. When I saw it, I almost burst into tears. She's so beautiful. I love her so much.

WIGGER!

babydoll — 2003-09-08T07:09:00-05:00

We watched Red Asphalt in Driver's Ed today. One chick passed out, but that's it. Nuffin fun. Meow, meow. :: Sighs:: I'm still sleepy. This kid called me a fat ass, so I called him a wigger. Then he backed down. :)

I'm falling even more in love with you...

babydoll — 2003-09-09T07:09:00-05:00

.. letting go of all I held onto...
So, yeah. Our Tapeworm in Biology is still alive. GSR was the regular thing. We talked about Peer Court. I think I'm gonna join. It's every Tuesday. It sounds like a lot of fun. I've also decided that I'm going to enroll in Paramedic Training. PE was all right, just played basketball games. At lunch the same guys gave me a hard time. But, I confronted him, and he still got all "just walk away man, blah blah blah"-ish to me. Math was fine and easy. My math teacher is still cute. I went to Stacy's house after school... it was cool, to say the least. :: big evil grin::

Innocent child, how you thought you knew me...

babydoll — 2003-09-10T07:09:00-05:00

...understood my ways, my dark needs...
Today was all right. Biology was boring, corny videos in GSR, running around in PE, ate lunch.. but then... in math... I was complaning that my book got bent. I took it out, and fixed it. Then my Math teacher, Mr. Grauhl, said.. "Hey Elle... is that a Nabokov book?" I said yes, then he said "That's an interesting one" Then Eddie butted asking why he thought it was interesting. He just smiled as I tried to say it was a love story. Mr. Grauhl laughed at my attempts to cover it up. Eventually he told Eddie it was about a girl that was 14 who had relations with an older man. Anyways,that was only a little bit embaressing. It was all good though. My dad came home early today to paint our spotted garage door. Then he took me shopping. I got three new shirts, four thongs, two bras, and two skirts. I've decided to start dressing up more. It'll be good. And, yeah. <3

Boys on my left side, boys on my right side...

babydoll — 2003-09-11T03:09:00-05:00

... boys in the middle, you're not here....
I passed my DMV test. Five out of like 37 passed the test. I am one of the five. I am like, in awe of myself. :: big grin:: Tomorrow is picture day, and I get mine taken with my lovely zit. :\ Oh well. I'll figure a way to cover it up or something. I'm happy.

What's wrong baby?

babydoll — 2003-09-13T11:09:00-05:00

... don't they treat you like they should?...
Anyways, today was pretty boring. I went to the computer place for a bit, and then went to my dad's lady 'friend' for a BBQ. It was all right. A cool thing did happent though.... I met this girl I use to play Barbie's with when I was four or five. It was, like, whoa. She's changed and the same all at once. It was neat0. We had apple pie. <3

Exc'elle'nt:::: giggle

babydoll — 2003-09-15T06:09:00-05:00

:: giggle:: I'll explain that later in the post. Anyways, today was interesting. All weekend was neat0. In Bilogy we just counted more fricken yeast cells, and filled out some questions about our water usage for the weekend. Heh, boring as hell. Then... GSR has turned to health... there were two guest speakers today. One was a teen mother. She had a daughter when she was seventeen. She also has an STD that causes cervical cancer, so every month she has to get checked and have a biopsy of her cervix. :: shudder:: It was really disturbing. And then, the second speaker... he's 435 pounds. Big, muscular, and very intimidating. He should be serving three life sentences for maiming four officers, and other crimes (breaking legs and arms... ). So now, he is a preacher of the Lord, and has tattoos all over him. Anyways, he was big, loud, and scary. Eeeeek. All right, during health class, someone kept calling my cell, I felt it vibrate and was worried he would hear it vibrate against the change in my pocket, so I was a little paranoid. Anyways, health is over, onto PE. We had to run the mile and a half, it was only 94 out today. :) Which was nice. I usually get like, 22:20 or something up there. But this time, I got 19:10. I'm proud of myself, so fuck all of you who can get 10 minutes on that run. :D Ate lunch, no big deal. Then, in math. We took a test and Mr. Grahl collected our grading sheets. I got 24/24 on all of my homework assignments. I finished my test, and he passed back my grading sheet.. I saw other people's sheets, and they did not have a witty comment on their sheet. Mine, said "Exc'elle'nt (then there was a circle with an arrowing pointing down, and above it said "Your name!" I was like... :: giggle giggle, melt melt, cream cream:: Heh. It was awesome, I felt special, like I should. So, there. Heh, I forget who's reading this. >.<

I, I, I love little girls, they make me feel so good.....

babydoll — 2003-09-15T07:09:00-05:00

Which Japanese word are you? by gokumew2
LJ Username
You are:	Ecchi (pervert)

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Can't you see I'm trying? I don't even like it...

babydoll — 2003-09-16T08:09:00-05:00

... I just lied to get to your apartment, now I'm staying there just for a while, I can't think cause I'm just way too tired....
Biology, we counted yeast cells, again, and took notes. Health, we worked out of the driver's ed book to keep us busy and discussed our guest speakers of yesterday. PE, we played basketball, and then we played kickball. It was pretty fun. Ate lunch, nothing spectacular, except today I bought a Jamba Juice. :: grin:: I like Jamba Juice. <3 In Math, we did a lot of book work, and did some graphing. That was about it. I get Monday's test back tomorrow. Heh, I hope I did good on it. Seems I'm freezing on my math tests. I just, I dunno, space out. Grrr. Afterschool, I chatted online.. with Dani. My recent ex. I dated him in April/May. It turns out that he's a hermaphrodite. I had sex with a hermaphrodite. That's intense. I'm pissed he didn't tell me before hand, that would have been really nice. Oi. :\ Oh well.

But you wanted more, more than I could give....

babydoll — 2003-09-17T07:09:00-05:00

... more than I could handle, for the life that I can live...
I had a collaboration day today, so I asked my dad if he would drive me at 8:30, and he agreed. Then in the morning he was all bitch. I asked to be dropped off in back, since that's where I hang out, and he was like "Don't tell me how to drive, you'll get to school, all right!" First period, we counted yeast cells, again. I accidentally spilt mine though. :X Second period, watched a video on Peer Court. It was like Jerry Springer teenage style. Third period, played indoor soccor and football. Had lunch, ate a samich. Fourth period, did math problems from a worksheet, finished them for homework. So I came home fiddled online. Then my dad came home, and while we were on our way to the store, he was moping about everything. "I should be a better parent" "I don't like how I am" "I want to be thin" "You hate me, don't you" GAH! Could he be more annoying?
:: sighs:: Lately, I feel like my milestones have been worthless. Like, my first day of highschool. No first day picture. It's weird. Passing my DMV test... my Mom didn't call everyone to tell them. That's one thing I remember the most. Everytime anyone did something of achievement, my Mom would call everybody. My aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, everyone. It was embaressing, but it was also nice. :: sighs::

Emptiness is nothing you can share....

babydoll — 2003-09-18T09:09:00-05:00

...All those words that hurt you... More than you will let it show...
:) First period, no fricken yeast cells, second period, two guest speakers... one was a girl who was convicted of involuntary vehicular manslaughter, and the other was the school's resource officer.. his Sarge came in, his sarge is the same one that was at my house when my Mom died. :\ It was really weird, I felt like I was gonna be sick. Third period, played knock-out and ran the mile, lunch time.. nuffin special, fourth period, my class had trash duty, so we picked up trash for a bit, then we went and did problems from a worksheet and the book. Road the bus home, went over to Arielle's for a bit, she came over, hoping to get a glimpse of Jake, but she didn't. Hehe. So then I watched Goldmember for a bit, and he finally came over. We watched the end of the movie, then he wanted to see my room. He was playing with his tongue ring and one thing led to another for a bit. :: big grin:: It was really nice. I needed that. I want to see him again, he's really sweet. Anyways, I'm reeeeealy tired and reeeealy sore. Poor kitty. ;)

Do you believe in heaven above? Do you believe in love?....

babydoll — 2003-09-19T09:09:00-05:00

...Don't tell a lie, don't be false, be true, it all comes back to you...
First period, we watched a national geographic on Africa, it was neato. Second period, guest speaker from Teen Court. Third period, full court soccor, then we played a little bit of basketball in the other gym. Ate a quick lunch, and went to sit by a friend of mine that is very against walking around at lunch. Fourth period, went over the homework, had a quiz and worked on a worksheet. Then I came home, started to watch the end of Gangs of New York when Jake called. So we talked for a bit. His phone cuts out, a lot. Then my dad came home, and we went to see Cold Creek Manor, which was not at all what I thought it would be. It was okay, but, it was scary as hell. :\ Then we went to pick up a CD for Brittany's birthday. I got her the new 50 Cent CD, I got myself a Zeromancer CD, and my dad bought a badly recorded live Rolling Stones CD. Then we picked up my butter plate, which turned out icky. :( We went to dinner next door at Fresh Choice. After that, headed to Target to visit with Tyler and buy tampons. Joy. Came home, called Karleen to see if she can spend the night tomorrow night. Then I called Jake to see what he was up to, he meows back at me... he's awesome. Guys don't meow back at me that often. He's really sweet, and I think I'd want to date him. We both like a lot of the same stuff. But, yeah. Brenni... baby... I love you.
My cramps are really killing me. I would rather have physical pain, than moodyness/moodswings when I'm on my period. I'm such a good person. But, they really hurt right now, and make me sick to my stomach.

I'm Gay?

babydoll — 2003-09-20T09:09:00-05:00

Gay or Not Gay? by tashay17
LJ Name
Favorite Color
Gay or Not Gay?	Gay... very gay

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

"Iris"-Goo Goo Dolls

babydoll — 2003-09-21T06:09:00-05:00

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that i'v ever been
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
and sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

Can you tell I'm in a lovey mood? Well, lets start with yesterday. I went to Brittany's birthday party, and it was cool. We first went to the pool, went on a few rides... Brittany and I went on Stealth a couple times, it was neat. She really liked my present, which is cool. Then we played games in the arcade, I got a lot of tickets, most I gave to Brittany. I got myself a siren light, and two mini handcuffs. I made the handcuffs into a bracelet, hardc0re. Then we went back out to the pool, and hung out in the wave pool. I checked Mike's watch, and it was 4:10, oh shit. My dad told me I had to be out there by 4:00, and no later. So I got out, checked my phone, a couple mean messages. Then I called him, he yelled at me and said I better be sorry for messing up his plans and he'd get me. So I went home, he smiled and pretended not to be mad, even though he was. I got home, showered, and whatnot. Then Karleen came over, then Jake came over. We decided to go out and get a bite to eat. We headed over to where Blockbuster, Petroglyph, Borders, etc is. Well, we were gonna get something at the bagel place, but it was closed. So we got a stale-ish bagel from the cafe in Borders. Then we went to Ben and Jerry's because Jake wanted a chocolate milkshake for dinner. Silly. So we ate there, afterwards, Karleen and I got a little bit of ice cream. I got Cherry Garcia, and Karleen got Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. I shared with Jake, and he tickled me a lot. So then we rented Lolita from Blockbuster, and walked home. We watched SLC Punk first. It was good, Karleen was frustrate that the movie really had no point. Hehe. So then I decide I want to slip into pajamas... and Jake wants to pick them out. So we went upstairs, and he undressed me, then he decided he really wanted to shower with me. So, we took a shower together. Ladies and Gentleman, I had shower sex for the first time. :: bows:: It was pretty cool. Had to work out the kinks at first, no pun intended. It was good. After getting impatient, we moved into the bedroom. Where we succeeded in the deed, along with accomplishing a new position I've wanted to try. :D I was content. And then I was really sore, so we went downstairs. Karleen had already started the other movie, so we watched that and cuddled a lot. It was nice. :) So then he left at midnight, 'cause he had to get home. He called me when he got home, and sounded so sleepy. He left his necklace at my place. He was looking at the stars, and the night before he was doing the same thing. I asked him if his wish came true, because he had wished on a shooting star. He said yes, so I asked him what he wished for. He told me he wished that I liked him as much as he likes me. And then I melted. :) Hehe. So then we got off the phone so he could go to sleep.
So then today, Karleen and I sort of planned my birthday party. We are thinking that we will watch movies and eat junk food, then we'll go out to the park and have a whip cream and water balloon fight, which will be fun. Hopefully I'll get lots of cool presents. :D Yes, I do like presents. Shoot me. Later, Kar and I ordered a pizza, then went and saw The Fighting Temptations, which sucked ass. I wish I had gotten to see something else. :\ Then we came home, my dad dropped her off at home, and that's it. That was my weekend, and it was fun. :) I've been having a lot of good things happen, and I'm happy. Although, my dad threw a temper tantrum and left for a few hours this morning because our plans didn't include him. Boo hoo. :: eye roll::

Cotton case for an iron pill..... Distorted eyes....

babydoll — 2003-09-22T08:09:00-05:00

....when everything is clearly dying...
First period, took notes, and got a quiz back. I got a 40% on the quiz, but the questions were badly worded. My grade in the class is a B, (89.7%) Oi. Second period, we discussed the week of Peer Court, then we discussed what sort of things would be in the First Aid/CPR part of Health class. We get our CPR faces tomorrow. Third period, we played handball, I made a madskill goal, then ran the mile and a half. I got 18:30 on the mile and a half. Ate lunch. Fourth period math, my math teacher noticed my hickey. Hehe. Oopsies. Came home, watched Hedwig, cookied dinner, did homework, and talking to Jake rightnow. :D

There is this place inside, where all the good things die...

babydoll — 2003-09-23T07:09:00-05:00

... sometimes I feel like a whore....
First period, we took notes and worked on the worksheet in biology. Second period, listened and took notes on a Cardio-Vascular lecture. We also got our CPR faces, they had racially diverse faces. XD Haha. In PE, we played dodgeball. I love dodgeball. <3 I won the first round, and got a bag of peanut M&M's. Then we had to do some drills. First it was shelter in place, then lockdown, and then evacuation. It was boring. Then I had lunch, fun stuff. In math, we switched seats. I am pissed. I hate my assigned seat with a passion. I sit next to Edwardo, which isn't too bad, but, blah. I miss having my space. I don't even sit in the table, I sit to the side of the damn thing. :\ Fucking grrrrr. Then we did our classwork, blah blah blah. Came home, slipped into sweats and a comfy shirt. I finally printed out birthday stuff. It'll be on October third, from 4:30-10pm. :D At my house, and, it will kick ass. So, yeah. Yay! Twelve days till my birthday! :D:D I am excited, like whoa. You have no idea.

I love the way you love, but I hate the way I'm suppose to love you back...

babydoll — 2003-09-24T08:09:00-05:00

... and it's just a fad. I'm not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle everyday....
First period, lecture about covalent bonds. Second period, lecture on heart disease and lungs. Third period, soccer, football, dodgeball and kickball. Ate lunch. Fourth period, did some worksheets and worked on review sheets for the test. After dinner, I got my hair dyed. It's red and pink. :D Hardc0re.

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and all the things you do...

babydoll — 2003-09-25T08:09:00-05:00

... everything you do, yeah, they were all yellow....
First period, played with Tinker Toys, drove me nuts. I can't get any of the molecules together. Second period, lecture and practiced the heimlech manuver. I passed. Third period, played indoor soccer and football, then we ran the mile. Ate lunch. :( No samich, had to settle for pizza. It was pretty gross. So I treated myself to a cookie. :X Then fourth period rolled around... I thought we had a test today, so I went in early. Well, it just so happened my math teacher was switching shirts. :: grin:: anyways, math was boring, he talked a lot. :\ Then we did work out of the book. Came home, just sort of chilled. Cookied dinner, I made a tri-tip roast with carrots. Go me. So we ate, I did my biology homework, and then I watched Men in Black 2. It was pretty funny. :) Annnnd... details... I finally made up imaginary balls and asked Jake if we're dating... he said he'd like to, I a very much agree. So... we're dating. I'm excited about it. He'll be the first I've dated since Dani, who is now a tranny. LoL :: giggle:: I feel so dorky. I hope it goes well... I really like him. Cross your fingers and knock on wood for me!

And I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment...

babydoll — 2003-09-26T11:09:00-05:00

... no, no, I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment...
First period, more fricken tinker toys. Those are so.. grr. :\ Second period, we did a little work from the health book and then we talked about lungs and stuff. Good stuff. :) Then we had lunch, since it was a one lunch schedual. It was club day today, and I signed up for two clubs. Bowling club, and Bonsai club. :D I was gonna sign up for the Liberal club, but they sort of... abolished that last year. I'll start a GSA or a Liberal club next year. Then I went to PE, we played Soccer.. football and basketball, except, our group didn't get to football because some dumbass kicked the ball to the ceiling and we had to run the mile. :\ So I was all hot and sweaty when I went into math. I was bad a bought a soda. >.< I had a math test today, that I think I did rather well on. It wasn't too hard. :D Then I went home. I went over to Ariele's first, then back to my place, then to her place. Then we met up with Jake, and went to the movies. We saw Underworld. It was pretty cool. The entire time I had my hands down his pants, stroking him... and Ariele didn't notice. Muhaha. Then we walked back to my house. We got hungry, and ordered a pizza from Round Table. We got a medium Garlic chicken gourmet pizza, which wasn't too bad, and that was my night. :D
<3

Gods and Angels and Devils smile, stare into our crying eyes

babydoll — 2003-09-27T10:09:00-05:00

... Fire and anger and hate beguile... look into your heart tonight....
I got up at 9:30, chatted online a little bit. Then I showered and got dressed. My dad and I went to the mall to find new shoes since mine are giving me blisters. :( We didn't find any shoes. I found a thong in Macy's that had turtles on it! It was by Tommy Hilfiger. I should have gotten it. :\ Then we were looking around, and I decided we should look in Charlotte Russe, which is a very classy store which is nice and stuff. I got five shirts from there, and I was happy. Then we wandered into JC Penny's and I found a very nice velvet and mesh top that I got, also. Then we went home, I chilled for a bit, watched a couple movies. My dad left for a date at 3:15. Then Jake came over, and we had our fun for hours. We ordered a pizza at 7:30, and didn't get it till like, 9pm. :\ Bastards. While we were waiting, we watched American Pie. That movie is great. We enjoyed it. Then we cuddled a lot, and he left at 10:30. I miss him already. :\ Gah. Anyways, I'm uber sleepy. :: yawn ::

Help me, comfort me, stop me from feeling what I feel now...

babydoll — 2003-09-28T10:09:00-05:00

Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?

Cause if you want love, we'll make it... Swim in a deep sea of blankets

babydoll — 2003-09-28T07:09:00-05:00

... and take all of your big plans and break 'em...
I got up at like, 10:30, came downstairs, fiddled online and stuff. Eventually I went upstairs and showered. Ugh, last night, I killed the biggest, ugliest, blackest cricket. :: gags:: It was gross. I was peeing, and the thing hopped onto my leg! I have never jumped that high as of late... Needless to say, that little fucker died. My dad had a lunch date with some new chick. I don't know her name. Well, it was at Macaroni Grill, not the one in Roseville, but the one in Elkgrove! So, he was gone from 11:30 to 3:45. During that time I watched Pride and Prejudice, Hackers, and Corina, Corina. Oi. :\ He came home, we went to the store and got some groceries. It was one of the rare times I got ice cream. After that we went to Taco Bell so I could grab a bite to eat, since we had nothing edible before hand. We came home, I hid my ice cream sandwhiches in the freezer and went to eat my dinner. He went strait for them. :\ Bastard. Then we went to a movie. He and I saw Anything Else. It had Woody Allen and Jason Biggs in it. Fucking funny as hell. :D I liked it. :) Tomorrow we start swimming in PE. :\ Yucky, I hate chlorine.

She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough...

babydoll — 2003-09-29T05:09:00-05:00

... I'm a little bit rusty...
First period, tooks notes, second period, worked out of the books, third period, first day of swimming, I got a little burnt, ate lunch, fourth period, worked on ratios. Came home, had a very boring night. :\ Oi. :\

She has me like a Pices when I am weak...

babydoll — 2003-09-30T03:09:00-05:00

... I've been locked up inside your heart shaped box for weeks...
This morning, there is a new kid at my busstop, so I started talking to him and whatnot... He went to WoodCreek and knows who Dani is. LMAO I told him about Dani now, and yeah, he was shocked. XD First period, more note taking. Gah. Second period, two videos on checking a victim. Third period, more swimming. Ate lunch. Fourth period, worked on ratios more. :\ I forgot to grab my swimming bag. :\ So I will have very wet swim stuff tomorrow for PE. :( Goddammit. In math, Eddie and I were talking about boob jobs, and then he asked aloud "Do Muslims get blowjobs?" when he meant boob jobs. It was hilarious. Tonight my dad and I are suppose to go get stuff for my party. :\ Dental appointment at 4pm. Oi.

Can't you see I want to be there with open arms..

babydoll — 2003-10-01T07:10:00-05:00

... it's empty tonight, and I'm all alone.. get me through this one.....
This morning was collaboration day, so my dad took me out to breakfast. We went to Mel's Diner. It wasn't too bad. I had a strawberry waffle with lots of whipped cream and a hotchocolate. It wasn't too bad. Then he dropped me off at school and I went into my math class to get my soaking wet swim stuff. Mr. Grahl was in there, his words were "Don't worry Elle, I made sure to go through it and find out your deepest personal information" I love his sarcasm. I wish he would have found something worth while. :: giggle:: But, yeah, that was it. So then I went and sat down. I listened to my Zeromancer CD and read my new book. "Tainted Blood" by Mary Ann Mitchell. I got pretty far for an hour, 67 pages. Then first period. :\ We took notes on photosynthesis again. Second period, we practiced rescue breathing on dummies. I had a white faced black manican. :: giggle:: Then, in PE we swam. Eventually we did have free swim though, which was nice. I'm sick of swimming. At lunch nothing spectacular happened, but I'm sick of eating the same thing everyday. In math, we got our tests back. I got 87%, and then we took a quiz that I think I did rather well on. Then we talked and talked about stuff, blah, it was boring. Then I came home, watched TV and stuff. My dad came home early because he has a buisness dinner, and he's taking Tracy. Tracy, of all people. :\ Ug. Then he left.

I miss my Mom. It's getting close to my birthday, it'll be my second birthday without her. I'm turning fifteen. This is a big thing. Next year it'll be sweet sixteen, then seventeen, then eightteen, and it'll be the same. It's weird. It's like she almost didn't exist, like she was a character I made up. I tend to make her seem perfect, when she wasn't. She drove me nuts sometimes. Especially when she was sick. I couldn't handle it. Then when she got really sick.. the hospital visits.. puking.. etc.. I couldn't handle that either. I miss everything about her though. I wonder how things would be now if she was alive. If she was alive we wouldn't have moved to Roseville, and I wouldn't be happy. If she was alive, I'd probably be in Rocklin, and quite the opposite, unhappy. I really like being happy, but I would really like to have my Mom around, ya know? It's complicated. But, blah.
I think I'm getting sick. I have this pain on my sides... where my ovaries are, and it doesn't seem to go away. I'm worried. :\ Blah.
I'm excited for my birthday though. We have silly string, and face stuff for my birthday, it'll be fun. :) I hope.

It's my life, my heart is like a open highway...

babydoll — 2003-10-02T08:10:00-05:00

... I just wanna live while I'm alive, it's my life....
First period, we did our starch and glucose lab, which included our saliva. No one in my group wanted to donate saliva, so I did it. It was pretty gross, we had to chew on rubberbands to generate it. It wasn't too bad. Tomorrow I have a huge biology test that I haven't exactly studied for yet, but I'll probably read some tonight or tomorrow morning. In Second period, we watched a few videos on rescue breathing and working wtih a blocked airway.. neh, snooooooooooooze time. Fourth period, swimming... I got an ear ache. :\ So I sat out the last 20 minutes. :\ I ate lunch, yuck. :\ In fourth period we just did a review worksheet and stuff. Then I came home, cleaned my room a bit, good stuff. Then Farrett showed up, and we talked and stuff. Then dad came home, we had dinner, went to star search, got groceries. Came home, and that was it. I'm so excited about my birthday party. :D

Now I lie here in this empty bed...and all I think about is you

babydoll — 2003-10-04T02:10:00-05:00

...and I wonder if you miss me now...and if your bed is empty too...
All right, my party was awesome. My day was pretty good. I think I got at least a B on both my of big tests. I wore my pink fluffy tierra and carried around ten balloons which made me happy. Everyone wished my happy birthday, and that made me happy. After school, there were four people that came early. We watched a couple movies, ordered Pizza. Mike, and Tom brought guitars and played. We had music. Then we went to the park and had a silly string fight, it was awesome. So we went back to the house, had cake and did our face painting which turned into body painting. Layne had his entire chest painted, it was funny. I took lots and lots of pictures. I will hopefully get them developed onto CD. Jake had messaged me in the morning saying he 'needed to talk' to me. We didn't get much of chance to talk after work. So he messaged me asking if I could call, he 'needed to talk'. I told him that 'needed to talk' sounded like a bad thing, and his reply was 'yes, in a way...' so I called him and he said he wants to break up and still be friends. He said that his friends were giving him a hard time about me being fourteen etc. So, yeah. I've hard him talk about how he hates it when his ex'es call him or try and talk to him. So, yeah, that's where I stand...

You have only been gone ten days.. but already I am wasting away

babydoll — 2003-10-05T05:10:00-05:00

... I know I'll see you again... but I need you to know, I care and I miss you....
All right, so I got up at 9:30, came downstairs. My fahza had bought me a donut for breakfast which I picked at. Then I took a shower and got dressed. Came downstairs and we decided to go look around at Old Sac. I bought porcupine earings (the plastic spike -like ones) and a mood ring. We walked around until 12:30. Then we went to Claim Jumpers for lunch, and I had my favooooriiiite there, Thai Lettuce Wraps, those are awesome. I have those everytime we go, and a Shirley Temple to drink, of course. Then we came home, looked up a movie and went to see The School of Rock.. which was a neh sort of movie. Came home, ate dinner, and I had some left over cake with strawberry ice cream. And, I'm content.

She is a slut but her ex thinks it's sexy....

babydoll — 2003-10-06T07:10:00-05:00

... sex reminds her of eating speghetti....
So... last night while I'm reading I get a text from Jake, it read as follows:
Sry about everything... But going through a lot... And wanted to say happy-b-day

So I texted him back telling him I was surprised to hear from him and was curious about his reasons. Then he called, which was cool. He explained that he was going through a lot at home. His family doesn't think he is dependable and he wants to prove that to him. He wants to move out before he gets kicked out... and he's seen friends go to prison for dating a girl that was underage... so I'm cool about everything that happened. Yes, it sucked for him to do it on my birthday party, at least he admited it. That's life. I deal well.
This morning my fahza took me to get a Odwalla from the store and dropped me off at the bus stop. First period, I got my biology test back... and I got a B! :) Denise got a F, Shelly got a F, and Elenore got an F. I felt pretty good. Then went to Health, passed my CPR test with mad skillz. Then I stupidly went to PE, when it was a one lunch schedual. LoL So I had already changed, came out and no one was there. So I put my clothes on over my swimming suit and went to lunch. LoL I felt so stupid. So then I went to PE AFTER lunch. We swam and I refuse to go under water because of my stupid ears. So we swam, it sucked, I got a little burnt. Then I went to math, where, I got my math test back, and I got a B+ on it. :D I'm excited. Then I came home, ate some apple pie and strawberry ice cream... played a new game online.. Spooky Slots. I like it. Then my dad came home, being an ASS as usual. He keeps pinching my arms, and everytime he does it I think it a bug, and today I went to scratch at it, and I scratched myself really deep and blood was gushing, he's such a asshole. I ask and I tell him not to. Gah. So we ate dinner, he had pork and I had a cup of noodles. Then we went to get a calculator for my math since the one at my house doesn't work for sineand cosine :\ Then we came home, I finished my homework, and he got on the computer because I was watching a show he didn't like to watch. When I was finished and wanted on, he told me to watch TV, which I don't do unless I'm doing something else. Gah, he is a total fuck head, and needs to burn.

What's with these homies dissing my girl?

babydoll — 2003-10-07T03:10:00-05:00

....What have they got up front?...
First period, took notes and watched a video on cells. Second period, did work from the book on First Aid. Third period, swim, swim, swim. :: gags:: Had lunch. Found out from Brittany this guy hit his ex gf 'cause she wouldn't talk to him. :\ How stupid. Went to math, worked on equations using sine, cosine, tangent. It sucks. Tomorrow we have a quiz on it. Came home, then I went to my dentist appointment while my dad voted. I got my bleeching kit. He voted for McClintock, dumbass. Then we went out to eat. On the way there, we were talking about jobs and accounts. I asked that if I had an account, and couldn't get a job, would he deposit money into it once a month. He suggested that I work for him, by cleaning the house. :\ I told him I didn't want to work for him. He kept asking why, and I kept saying because I don't want to. Then he gave me examples of how this may come up later, working for someone I don't like. So I told him I didn't want to be in the house all the time, which he turned into "So, if you didn't have to live with me, you wouldn't" and "You hate me" Gah, what a fuckhead. Then he stopped throwing a fit about it and talked over dinner. My cousin is pregnant. The father is a black guy who wants nothing to do with her or the baby, and his mother hates whites. :\ She wants to keep the baby, I think she should give it up for adoption. Gah, oh well...

She cries... children often do...

babydoll — 2003-10-08T03:10:00-05:00

...when they're cold, and hungry too...
First period, took some notes on size of cell... then I got called into the VP's office. :\ I went there, thinking someone died, or that I've been accused of doing something. Turns out, a teacher told the administration that I was an eyewitness to him hitting her. I told him what I knew, and who I had heard it from. He kept insisting that if I really was an eyewitness, to tell him, and that if I knew more than what I am saying, that I should tell him. Ass. Then I went back to class and finished a lab. Second period, more bookwork. Third period, more swimming, except, we played some water polo. Then I went to lunch and talked to Brittany about what happened since the VP called her in, too. I think it was Mr. Grahl who told the administration. So... he's off my list of people I'd like to fuck. We worked more on sine, cosine, and tangent. Went home, ate a small bowl of ice cream.

I wanna push around, well I will...

babydoll — 2003-10-10T03:10:00-05:00

.. I wanna push you down, well I will...
Yesterday was hectic. School was a little faster pace than usual, but that was okay. Then Arielle came over after school so I could type her Romeo and Juliet stuff. She types hella slow. After that, she dressed me girly for the football game and bonfire. It was pretty cool. The fire was huge. In the middle of the bonfire. Lowll came over and asked me to go talk to a couple of his friends. He wanted to touch my tits or something, I dunno, nothing too important. After that, I called my dad to pick me up. He took me to Wendy's to grab some dinner. Then home. I went to bed and slept. Then today, we did a potato lab in Bilogy, chapter 8 in Health, swimming in PE, and just some worksheet in math. Then we had the rally. I hung out with the 'group' and played Revolution. Which is a really cool card game. I had fun. I won my first time. Then home, now I'm here. Tonight is Bonfire. Kate and Sergio are the princess and prince for my freshman class. :) Sergio is neat.

Don't leave me this way...

babydoll — 2003-10-13T06:10:00-05:00

.. I can't survive without your sweet love...
So.. Saturday my dad and I drove up to Apple Hill, to go to the Apple Festival, where we ate some fudge and made a candle, not even touching an apple. Which was weird. Then we came home and just sort of relaxed. Sunday, I was suppose to go to the mall with Karleen, but she spaced out about her mom's boyfriend's jazz recital. So insted, I got Chris to go with me at last minute. We went to the sunrise mall, and looked around. I got 8 thongs. One has turtles on it, one has halloween stuff on it, one has a rainbow heart on the g-string part, one is celestial with cutouts around the pussy, another is red fishnet, the other is black fishnet, then a redlace one. And that's it. The shirt I got is a Johnny The Homicidal Maniac shirt. :D:D I love it. Today, we had the bug guy come at 8am, so I had to be out of the house for 2 hours. My dad came and got me and dropped me off at Borders with a 20 so I could get a book while I waited for Petroglyph to open. I got this book that has reprinted newpaper clippings of infamouse crimes. It's pretty neat. Then I went to Petroglyph and painted a round serving plate, which many people commented on. :D

When day is long... and the night is yours alone...

babydoll — 2003-10-15T07:10:00-05:00

...and you're sure you've had enough of this life...
Today was a collaboration day, and I didn't get a ride, so I had to go to school at the same time. Katie and I walked to Starbucks. I got a Carmel Apple Cider and a Chocolate Cream Cheese Muffin. Then we came back and I ate my muffin at school and finished my cider, and decided I needed a nap before school started. So I napped, and dreamed about having hot sweaty sex with my math teacher. LoL So then in Biology we took notes on Mieosis. In health, we did more book work and I'm about 2 chapters ahead. In PE, we did our synchronize swimming, then, after we were dry, he made us swim laps until the bell rang! Which meant we had to dress and use our wet towels to dry off. :\ Ate lunch, blah blah. Then in math we did a little more work on Sine, Cosine and Tangent, then another thing which I did last year. Came home, took a short nap, got up and watched a little bit of The Simpsons. Then my dad took me to cash my checks, then to Walmart to drop of my film and to buy myself new headphones. Then we went to the new Sam's Club and bought stuff. Now we're home. Blah, I'm tired.

She goes above and beyond her call of duty...

babydoll — 2003-10-19T05:10:00-05:00

... she is a slut but her ex thinks its sexy...
Friday was all right, I went and saw Runaway Jury which wasn't too bad. Then we went home, and my sister's present was there. She got me more perfume and lotion. :D I convinced my dad he needed to buy me a new webcam for 'misplacing' my old one. Then on Saturday I went to the mall with him, I got new shoes there. Then we went to get me some new snowboarding boots. We got Lamarr's for 50$ instead of 120$, which was really good. Then we went to Best Buy and he got me a new webcam and a new CD. I got Matchbox 20's Mad Season. :) Hardc0re. Then we chilled at home, went and got Nell and went out to dinner. Then we went to the movie and tried to sneak into Texas Chain Saw Massacre, but they were checking tickets. So we got our money refunded and walked to Borders. We hung out there and just sort of chilled. Then we walked home. We watched a little bit of TV then went up to my room. We were talking and some how it got into hickies, so she gave me a hickey on the side closer to the middle on my right boob. It's like, black, I kid you not. Hehe. It's nice. Then in the morning we had bagels with cream cheese and orange juice. Then we went to the Renassiance Fair. It was awesome. A ton of guys would telle me that they loved my red hair, since, oddly, there were very few girls that had vibrant red hair. And then, it was my eyes. Guys would say I had beautiful eyes, or the eyes of a slave. Oddly, this would always be at the set-ups that had the leather and the whips, etc. I felt special. :D My dad bought me a Celtic necklace, and I bought myself a double dragon wrapped around a knife. It's pretty. :D We went home, and then we dropped Nell off.

Did I blink as I watched? Did I close my eyes?

babydoll — 2003-10-22T04:10:00-05:00

I was not alone, think it was the first time, watching you rise, splendor and graceful I cheered as you sailed...

So, we've been studying for finals all week. Ugggg. I have GSR/Health and Math tomorrow, and on Friday I have Biology and PE. In PE, we're doing basketball drills. It has got to be one of the most boring things ever. I like basket ball, but I don't want to be a star player, I want to play to have fun. :\ Ug. Today, this slightly mentally retarded Senior who is 18 asked me out. I said no... I feel bad, because, he like, asks EVERYONE out. So I guess I shouldn't feel so bad, but, he gave me this crushed face, and yeah. :\ We are doing splinting in Health, we finished that today and I passed all of it. :D Hardc0re. That's about all that's going on. I got my pictures from my birthday party developed. Much fun.

You, there on the bridge, where have you been? What's your named?

babydoll — 2003-10-23T03:10:00-05:00

And you, there one the wall, where will you go to once you fall?

Ug, I had so much trouble sleeping last night. :\ I got up at 4:35 and was up until my alarm clock went off. Showered, got dressed. My dad had bought my bagels and more Odwalla, so I had that for breakfast. Then I went to school. Second period finals went good. I got an 82 out of 95, but sicne I didn't use my bathroom pass, I got an extra ten points on the final, which means I got 92 out of 95. :) Hardc0re stuff. Then we got held in 10 minutes to correct it, which meant I got ten minutes of 'nutrition'. Then went to my fourth period class and did the math final, 86 questions. It took a while. :\ But I finished and read some more of my book. Ada or Ardor is getting easier to read, the style was hard at first, but I've gotten more accustomed to it. After school, Ariele and I went to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was actually scary. Made me jump a lot. It was cool. They showed actual footage of them going through the crime scene they didn't entirely secure. So they have a little bit of the guys face. I bet he's dead by now. It's 23 months since my Mom died.
<3

Older dancers gag at what new talent seems to mean...

babydoll — 2003-10-26T07:10:00-05:00

...smaller tits and younger limbs can cause a fit of rivalry...

Saturday was pretty boring. We went to the Galleria mall to pick up my sister a gift card from Macy's, her birthday is on November 3. Then we went to the grocery store and came home. That was about all we did, nothing to intersting. Today, I was hoping to get to see Sean. But, I didn't. :( My dad dragged me out to furniture sales and an auction. Then, we ate a late lunch. Chris called me, so I went over to his place and watched a movie with him and a couple of friends. Then my dad picked me up. We went to Safeway to grab some bagels and something for dinner. I got some basil tomatoe soup. Yummy like whoa<3

I love this song.. "Worked Up So Sexual"-The Faint

And she screams, and her voice is strained...

babydoll — 2003-10-27T04:10:00-05:00

... she says baby.. it's three am I must be lonlier....

I woke up an hour early despite the time change. Went to school... First period, we got our midterm test back, I got a 65%, which is a D. I checked my grade in the class, and I have a B-. I'm doing fine it that class, plenty of time to pull my grade up. Then I went to health, we basically did an overview about what Health will cover. We got side tracked into breast feeding, somehow. Kids that aren't breast fed have a higher crime rate, do poorly in school, and have excessive pre-marital sex. I only qualify for one of those, lol. In PE, we did basketball drills, then we ran the mile and a half. Yuck. I guess I have an A-. Ate lunch. Then in Math, I got my final back and got a 79% on it. :\ Yuck.

And I'll be so alone without you, maybe you'll be lonesome too...

babydoll — 2003-10-27T07:10:00-05:00

... fly the ocean in a silver plain, see the jungle when it's wet with rain....

I know a lot of you read a bit of a letter to a certain someone who was in my life, that ended pretty ugly. Well, there's a new beginning with the same person, and I just wanted to say the things I said were said out of anger and spite.
<3

Talking to myself in public... dodging glances on the train..

babydoll — 2003-10-28T06:10:00-05:00

... I know they've all been talking about me, I can hear them whisper...

Woke up tired as hell. I had hot flashes all night. I went to bed really, really cold. So I had put some pjs on, over the night I stripped them off, and by midnight I was totally naked and hotter than hell. :\ Eventually I got back to bed, but it took a while. Caught the bus, went to school. I haven't felt like socializing lately, which isn't good. I see everyone around me, and they seem so.. dumb sometimes, well, not sometimes, all the time. It's getting close to two years since my Mommy died, so I guess that is taking it's toll. First period, we took some notes and did a few punett squares. Tomorrow we're suppose to start a create-a-face lab. Ought to be interesting. In health we talked more about the basics of health. Physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual, I'm not sure how this will work out. :\ It makes me uncomfortable to talk about personal things like this. In Pe, we did basketball drills. The last twenty minutes we split up and played basketball. I played two on two with a couple people. Then at lunch, I got a Jamba Juice. Still didn't feel like socializing, so I sat outside my math class and listened to my CD player. In math we did more equations of a line. Which is pretty borning. On the bus, our bus driver Jack gave everyone a Snicker's bar. It was cool. I have mine in the freezer. I'll eat it later. After school I took a nap. Dad came home, decided to make this frozen cashew chicken, disgusting. Ug.

I found myself still thinking of you...

babydoll — 2003-11-01T04:11:00-05:00

...felt so empty, now I'm fine, when will you be mine?

So, yeah. Friday I wore the skirt I bought to school, and it was really cold. So I changed into to ADIDAS pants, cuase they are uber comfy. First period we did the create-a-face lab, it was fun. I was partners with Mark, he has a British accent. Then in health we talked about disgusting stuff that is in meat. Uggg. 4-5 pounds of rats, which includes up to two pounds of rat feces is aloud in 100 pounds of ground beef. Disgusting. :\ In PE we had free time to play basketball. I had lunch with Ariele and her football boys. Heh, it was interesting. And in math we just did worksheet after worksheet.
update more later.

I had to cut my last post short, so I'm gonna finish it here...

babydoll — 2003-11-02T08:11:00-05:00

After school on Friday, waiting for the bus... while it was pouring rain. We have an outdoor campus, so shelter was hard to find. I was content under a tree for about five minutes, then the rain got heavier and decided to blow in a direction, so I got soaked. That was for fifteen minutes. Then the bus came, and it smelled like hardboiled eggs puked up. I walked home in the rain and set my stuff down, changed, and put my sweat shirt in the dryer. As soon as I sit down, the door bell rings. It's not raining and there's a little boy dressed up as a blue crayon saying "treat!" over and over. Then my dad came home to take me over to Karleen's. He was chewing mint gum, which I think is gross. So I roll down a window and he asks why. I told him I think his gum smells gross. Then he starts blowing in my face, I call him rude and he stops, and starts saying I need to take that make if I want to go to Karleens. :\ So I did for the bastard ass. So he dropped me off at Karleen's, And I changed into my skirt and stuff again. We ordered pizza, and passed out candy for a bit. Then we went out trick-or-treating, no flashing except random cars. :\ We were out for maybe an hour, and we got sooo much fricken candy. :D I have five freezer bags full. Woot. We came home,and her Mom took tons of pictures of us, and candy. Then we went to sleep, and my dad picked me up in the morning.
Saturday: After my dad picked me up, we grabbed some lunch at Burger King. Went home, I changed and cleaned up a bit, then we went to Dimples to get Katie a gift certificate, and me a couple CDs. I got an Everclear CD, and a Vertical Horizon CD. I happy. :D Then we went to target to get a card, and a new phone. I'm gonna have a speaker phone in my room. :D Then I went to Katie's birthday party at 5pm. It was cool, she got a new gecko. Then Layne, Stacy, Daniel, Daniel, and Brianne showed up. Layne was all over stacy. Touching her, groping her, kissing her. Yes, I was jealous. :\ I want Stacy, there, I said it. :\ She's a crotch tease. :\ Then the pizza came, and we ate pizza, then we decided to go out and set the pumpkin on fire. We had a HUGE thing of butane. We set the pumpkin on fire, and kicked, we played flaming pumpkin soccer. It was great. Then we broke it, and set is on fire again. It was cool. She also had fireworks. So we set two of them off, they were really, really loud. :X Hehe. No cops called on us though. During that I got to Stacy, hugging her and stuff, Layne was jealous, so I gave him a kiss. Eventually one of the Daniels came over and put his arms around me wanting to make out. :\ Freshman boy, ugh, bad kisser. We went in and got toilet paper, TPed random houses, and ran like hell back to the house where we had bananna cream pie, and chocolate cake. It was neat. Stacy sat on my lap. Then we snuck off to katies room, and made out, felt up, lick, kiss, all that good stuff. The four of us. I unzipped Layne's jeans, and he was like 'omg'. Then they watched Stacy and I make out and go at it for a bit. I felt so bad, Katie came in and was like, 'please, I really hope you weren't doing anything gross', and I cooled off. Then we went and watched some anime movie. Stacy and I made out more, Layne and Daniel watched and creamed themselves. Hehehe. Then her dad drove me home 'cause I said I'd be home at ten, and later found out my dad did a little drinking. LoL

Girl, is it easy to love me now?

babydoll — 2003-11-04T06:11:00-05:00

... would you love me if I was down, and out?...

Sunday was nice, went and painted. Sunday night I went to my dad's boss's place for dinner, he flirted with me. :\ Monday in Biology we took notes, in health we watched a nice sick video on Ebola. There was a part where the guy was eating a rat, and he ate the head last. My teacher rewound the video so we could hear the crunch again. In PE we played basket ball, then went to the track to jog six minutes, and walk two. :\ Ugh, that sucked. In math we did more stuff with lines, etc.
Today, in Biology we made chains of DNA. In health we finished the Ebola video and had a class discussion. In PE, we played basketball, had a boring lunch. Britney is really getting on my nerves. She will talk to me once in a while, but when Allison or someone else is around, she loses interest in me. She also claims to be a better basket ball player, but when she gets the ball, she stands there and does nothing, then she passes to the wrong player, or takes a shot and misses. :\ She's just,stupid. And at lunch she'll act like my friend. :\ But, gah, I don't like her at all. I wish there were other people in my PE that I liked to talk to. In Math, we did more line stuff. I got a buy one get one free bottle cap on my soda. Special. Ariele came over after school, gave her some of my candy. I made stew and let it simmer on the stove. Yummy stuff. <3

Sometimes I sit among the markers, and contemplate my next life...

babydoll — 2003-11-06T07:11:00-05:00

... says something less sympathetic, a little more unconditional respect was buried here...

Where would I be if she was still alive? I know I was set on making this a angst free journal, but this is eating me inside. I know people say I can talk to them about my problems, but I feel like I can't. I feel like since I didn't talk about her death when it happened that it isn't valid anymore. Just thinking about her gives me a physical pain in my chest, make my lungs small. It's a feeling of guilt. I feel guilty that she died, but why? I shouldn't feel guilty. Or do I feel guilty about what I've done since she died. There are so many things she would disapprove of. I think sometimes that she'd hate me for how I am. I wish in so many ways that I knew what she would think of me, but I know it's useless, and I know if I asked anyone else, their answers would all be the same. "She'd be proud of you" I can't help but think that's a bull shit thing to say. I don't remember the last thing I said to her. I remembering being mad at my dad for giving my Mom a hard time about not carrying something from the car in, while she had her head in the sink puking. That's the last time I saw her. I could have seen her after she was dead. Rose asked me if I wanted to go into the room and see her. I wanted to, but all I could do was hide. I cried when my sister came to talk to me the day after she died, I cried at her funeral, and I cried at the memorial. That's the only time I cried in front of anyone during that first year. This Halloween though, I was watching Degrassi: Next Generation with my best friend, and one of the lead characters step father was really sick with cancer, and it reminded me so much of my Mom that I choked up, let a couple tears slide, and had to ask her to change the channel. Things about her keep popping up at school, and it doesn't help. I'm gonna break one of these days. :: sighs:: I miss my Mommy. Miss her lots.

Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by...

babydoll — 2003-11-09T07:11:00-05:00

... there is no time to wast asking why, I'll run away with you....

"Echo" by Trapt. Very nice song.
Yesterday was interesting and boring. I'd rather not get into it too much. :P Today, I got up, went to Costco with my dad, bought stuff. Then we went to get me a new phone because my old one has slowly stopped working. It still works, just, buttons don't work and it doesn't ring. It's a nice flip phone by motorola. Color screen. Makes me happy, except, now my dad will get the bill. So, maybe I'll make it so everyone has to call me. That'd be better. Or call from my house phone from a calling card asking them to call my cell. Blah. Oh well. So then we came home, and I start my group project for health, and did it all. It was on decision making. Step one, state the problem, step two, list options, step three, write pros and cons of options, step four, weigh morals, step five, make your decision and detail it. That was about fifteen pages of information. Gah. Now, I dunno, I feel sick. I want a boyfriend now.

Shakespear, or Cabin Boy? Cabin boy used for sex. >:)

babydoll — 2003-11-09T08:11:00-05:00

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	William Shakespeare
If not then you were:	A cabin boy

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Imagine pagent, in my head the flesh seems thicker....

babydoll — 2003-11-10T06:11:00-05:00

... sand paper tears corode the film, and I need you now somehow....

Sunday was fine, consisted of finishing my project and going to bed. Today, I got up, well rested. :) I ate breakfast, went to catch the bus, and I remembered that I forgot my PE clothes, so I had to go back and grab them, I didn't miss the bus. Mad skillz. Heh. I got to school, avoided Layne. Neh. :\ Talked to Elenore and Tyler most of the morning. Went to first period, we finished the lab, and then had a quiz. Went to second period where I told everyone they were ass clowns for not helping, and gave them sheets to memorize. Geh. Then we watched a video on Mathaphetamines. I felt much better about being adopted. I could have been one of those babies. I could of been tortured for years until I died. Heh. Wow. Then in PE, we did soccer drills, then ran the mile and a half, which I sat out on because of my foot hurting. Neh. Went to lunch, ate, neh. Talked to Layne about his hugging and stuff. I'm pretty sure he got the idea. :\ Who knows. In math, we did more boring equation stuff, bleh. My father picked me up because I had a doctor's appoitment. Got to the doctor's office, and they were playing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. :) It was neat. Then I went it, they weighed me, and I don't think she weighed me right. :\ If she did, neh. :X Then I went into the room scared as can be. She took my blood pressure and pulse, then took down what the problems are. I told her my foot was hurting, the scars on my back, and my acne. Well, Dr. Cau came and checked my foot, said I bruised the botton. :\ Still hurts. As for the scars on my back, he said he didn't want to say anything misleading about them and that I should see a dermatologist, which I am seeing in January. Then he checked my acne, and perscribed me an anti-biotic for it. So then my father dropped me off at home, I fiddled online for a bit, then I made dinner. He came home with my medication. My medication. :\ It does affect my birth control pills, so, I guess I'll have to be really careful again. Also, I can't have dairy while I'm taking the pill, I can't have food on my stomach when I take it, and I need to take it twice a day. ug, dammit.

I fondle keys to my heart....

babydoll — 2003-11-13T04:11:00-05:00

... while everyone's heart seems calm....
So, yeah. This week has been pretty boring. On Tuesday we had the day off so I went and grabbed lunch with Ariele, and went back to my house. We ordered Malibu's Most Wanted from ppv, it was, interesting. On Wedsenday, it was all right. We had a sub in PE, so we just dropped kicked the soccer balls, a lot. Heh. That was the highlight of school. When I got home, I made potato soup from scratch. First time I tried to make my Mom's recipe. We haven't had it since before she died. It was as I remembered it, and still not to my liking. Heh. I've never liked it much, but it brought back good memories. Memories, something I've had a lot of lately. My dad liked it a lot. Which is good. Today, we started doing more stuff in Genetic Engineering in Biolgy, finished watching a video on parasites (ew, nuff said. ;) Is was disgustingly wonderful), in PE we played scrimages, and in Math we did a group quiz. Came home, and that's about it.
Another thing we talked about in health today was sex. He seems to direct a lot of comments about sex to teenage girls that are sexually active because they don't get enough attention from their fathers. I know that's not me though. I could get attention from my father if I wanted to, but I'm content with the attention he gives me now. I still think he is an anal bastard ass clown, but that's really besides the point. Also, we talked about how people block things from their mind, like tramatic events. Heh, wonder if I have one. I'd be scared to remember.

All the lights are changing red to green...

babydoll — 2003-11-17T03:11:00-05:00

... moving through the crowd, pushing chemicals through my blood stream...

So, yeah, my weekend. On Friday night we (my dad and his secretary Dawn) went to see Master and Commander: The Far Side of the Sea. It was pretty cool. I liked it. It was 2 and a half hours long, I had trouble sitting through that. Then on Saturday we went to the mall and got my friend Lacy a birthday present, gift certificate to Hot Topic. I called Tara, my brother Eric's girlfriend, to see what they wanted, and wow, she can talk forever. But I don't blame her, she's home alone a lot, she took a second job, too. She's cool. They're dog, Isabella, is a St Bernard. Eight months and weighs 80 lbs. Then we went home, my dad left for a date, and Lacy's Mom picked Marshal, then me up. We went to pizza, went back to her house. We had cake there, and watched Fight Club. Lacy's dad sort of gave me looks.. the 'hey cutie, wanna do me?' sort of looks. Heh. :\ Then we went to bed, and Lacy's cat attacked me all night. My dad picked me up in the morning around 9:15. Then he dropped me off at home, he went to Oakland to visit Caroline and her son. He came home early, at like, 1:15. Heh, oops. That could have been bad. So then I was gonna go to Petroglyph, but there were too many people. So I decided to just go see a movie. We went and saw The Human Stain. Which was actually pretty good, minus the image of Anthony Hopkins having sex with a much younger women. My dad was like "I would never have taken you to see that movie if I had known what it was about" Heh, that was funny. I got a job application to Century theatre.
Now, today, neh. I got up, went to the bus. Remembered my PE clothes. :D In Biology we just took notes and got a worksheet, that was about it. In Health we took a test on mental self defense mechanisms (ie: denial, day dreaming, repressing, etc) I sort of didn't do so well. :\ Oops. Then we discussed control, neh, boring. In PE we played soccer, then we rain the mile and a half on the track instead of the course. That was miserable. I had horrible cramps, and felt sick, then I finished the mile and a half at 18 minutes (yeah, laugh at me) When I got to the locker room I felt so sick, I waited till lunch, I ate some of my samich, but I felt so sick. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. :\ At least math class was easy. Then I came home, took my anti-biotic. Blah, I'm tired, and my cramps are still killing me.

This will all fall down...

babydoll — 2003-11-20T08:11:00-05:00

... like everything else that was, this too shall pass...

So, yeah, I've been deep in thought for the week. And I've come to a decision that I took the first step in acting on today. I want to seek professional help so that I can try and properly deal with my Mother's death, and come to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused. (SB from now one) Yes, SB. I was. I didn't think I was at the time, for a few years after, and even now it's hard to believe. But it did happen to me. Hard to believe. I need to deal with this. And I feel like there something I'm not remembering. I think there is something there that I don't know. And things with my Mom, I miss her, and it does affect the way I get through my day. I think about her constantly. So, this morning. I put my name in the counselor call box, and awaiting their call slip. I want to ask the counselor if I can seek help outside of school, and I want to make sure my dad doesn't know. If my dad found out, he'd tell my sister, and my sister would tell my brothers, and the whole thing would be awkward, horrible, and uncomfortable, and I don't want that. I'm thinking that Freshman and Sophomore year will be dealing with it, and Junior or Senior year I want to start helping other people, maybe. I don't want to make this a career, just something I think I should do. So there's my big decision. I need a lot of support with this.
<3 all
-elle

Poll, everyone take, please?

babydoll — 2003-11-20T08:11:00-05:00

She's got a pretty smile.......

babydoll — 2003-11-22T02:11:00-05:00

... it covers up the poison that she hides...

Last night I went to The Cat in the Hat with Farrett, Tina, Stephanie, and Marshall. It was fun. We went out to eat at the River Rock Cafe. At the movie, we were sort of loud and giggling a lot. The movie was funny. I was sort of expecting a big crowd there, but there was barely anybody. I turned in a job application to the theatre. Good luck to me.
Today we went to Jack in the Box for lunch, and I got a hamburger. I specifically asked for no onions and no mustard. So we get our meal, and I take a bite into a mustard filled burger. Gag, wretch, turn green. Uggg! Mustard, I hate it so much. So I took it back, and they gave me a new burger, but I'd loss my apetite, so I threw it away. My dad got mad at me. So then we went to Denios, I got a new CD case, and some bras. But the cup for the bra is really narrow, so my boobs look pointy, so I don't like them. :\ Oh well, it was like 3 for ten dollars. Not a bad price. We went to check movies, but didn't see anything worth seeing. So we went home...
Tomorrow I leave for Texas to see my sister. Just me, going to see my sister. It'll be really, really nice. I can't wait. That's about it, I'll be back on the 29th.
It'll be two years since my Mom died tomorrow. Two years ago today we were at the Tinney's for Thanksgiving dinner. It was great. My cousin Jenny was there, so I got to talk to her, and stuff. It was nice. Then my Mom saw my brother's wedding video, she held onto my leg tightly and closed her eyes, held her four leaf clover necklace close. It scared me. Then we went home, she threw up in the sink. That was the last time I saw her, her throwing up in the sink. Later that night, I went to bed, woke up to people in the house. The sound of walkie talkies. She was dead. dead dead dead. Very dead. Hard to believe. I didn't know she could die from her cancer, but I didn't deny it. I miss her a lot. I miss how my life was with her in it, yet, I don't think I'd change it if I was given the chance. That makes me a horrible person, doesn it?

Did I blink as I watched? Did I close my eyes?

babydoll — 2003-11-29T06:11:00-05:00

I was not alone, I think it was the first time...
I'm back. Texas was great. My sister, my nephew, and I went shopping a lot. He's a really sweet kid, skinny too. He's gonna look like my brother Eric a lot. Blonde, blue eyed thin, and very cute. I love him a lot. The first night I was there, he couldn't decide who to snuggle with, so he went back and forth between Cortney and I. Then he would just snuggle with me until he fell asleep, and go to Cortney after he woke up. And whenever Cortney left to run a quick errand or whatever, and left Wyatt with me, he would cuddle, watch a little TV, and fall asleep on me. He liked to lay on me when I was laying down. He also fell asleep on Barney, who is one of three dogs at their house. Thanksgiving dinner was pretty cool. Afterwards, my sister carved part of it up and put it in the fridge, but she left the turkey out all night. It was fine until Chris and Amy went to feed the horses. Amy's dog, Onawa, ate the rest of the turkey, bones and all. Poor dog. She got sick, threw up, was outside for the rest of the day. We played a lot of board games too, that was fun, until Chris joined. When I was like, 8, we played Monopoly, and I stole a 500, since then he's labeled me a cheater. :\ So everytime I made a move, he'd be like "Better whatch those Skinners, man, they cheat" I think he is the biggest asshole, and I really don't like him all that much.
I didn't realize how much I missed my sister until I had to leave today, I was at the gate saying goodbye, and I wanted to cry. Cortney is so much like Mom, I love it. She was sort of Mom to me, when I was a baby I did sleep in her room, and she got up every night to feed me. I miss her. And Wyatt, god, just looking at him made me think of how much my Mother would love him, he's just the sweetest.
Le sigh.
I miss my Mother. Mother, it's seems to be a strange word to me.

Here comes the rain again...

babydoll — 2003-12-01T03:12:00-05:00

... tearing me apart like a new emotion...

So, yeah. It rained today. :) In biology we watched part of a video on cloning, and in Health we fisnihed the True Colors thing. I'm half and half on Gold and Orange. I also got my call slip to see the counselor, so I went at the end of the period. Mrs. Druer is my counselor, and she's not bad. Her Mother is going through the cancer stuff, same cancer too. But her Mom is 85. :\ So it's nice to see that someone else is ,ya know. The bad part: By CA law, I have to have parental consent to go to a therapist or counselor. Ugggggg. :\ Then I went to my next class, PE, in the middle, he didn't make me change. I think I was visably upset, there are times when I just can't hide it. Then I ate lunch. I've started buying school lunch, it's cheap, and not that bad. :\ So, yeah. Then went to math, did the four review worksheets in 40 minutes and had the rest of the period to chill. It was raining when the bell rang, so I sort of got wet. :\ Or drenched.

{NP: "Here Comes the Rain Again"-The Cruxshadows}

There is this inside, where all the good things die...

babydoll — 2003-12-04T06:12:00-05:00

... Sometimes I feel like a whore...

So, yeah. Last night we went to this really, really good Thai place. The food was good, but the company made me want to retch, in other words, my father. We couldn't have a quiet dinner, he had to talk. Talk about my zits, saying I have a crooked nose with hairs growing out of it (which I don't), and all these other things. He was pulling on my pigtails, flicking paper at me. Uhhh! After that, he went home to shit, and we went back out so I could get some stuff I needed from Jo-Anns Fabrics for my sewing. I got a marking pencil, some lace and frilly stuff for the hems of the jeans I'm sewing, and thats it. Then we went home, and I worked on my project more. Today, I went to school, no big deal, not doing anything too exciting. Stress project in health. And I'm still stuck on the counseling part. It hurts so bad inside now that I want it out. I want to be able to talk. Maybe it should be my new years thing. :\ I dunno. Afterschool I worked on my sewing a bit. I got a call from my dad bitching about my math grade. Then I went back to sewing. He came home, threw an envelope with my grades at me, so I saw them, then he saw them, and he was pissed. So I told him to make his own dinner and ignored him. He gave me money to order a pizza. So I ordered a pizza. Then Farrett messaged me all worried about something in History, and asked if I still had my history notebook, which I did. So I waited outside for him to walk over, and I gave him the notebook, and we talked. He knows that I was sexually abused, but it was mentioned once and never talked about. I thought he'd get the hint that I wanted to seek help for it, but I guess not. So I'm out of luck on my buddy support. :( So I gave him my notebook and he was very happy, and shared a slice of pizza with him. :: sighs:: I hate this. For Christmas, my dad is putting up a fake tree again, and ugg. It's gonna be a grinch like Christmas. He got my brothers PJ bottoms and a sweater and asked me if that was enough for them. Two things. It's fucking Christmas. I remember seeing all the presents under the tree for weeks at a time, wishing I knew what it was, even though I ususally peeked. But now, I know what I'm getting because I picked it out.

If anyone gets a chance, listen to "Christmas Sucks" by Tom Waits and Peter Murphy.

So pardon me, while I burst into flames...

babydoll — 2003-12-05T10:12:00-05:00

.. I've had enough of this world and it's people's mindless games...

This week has gone by so fast. I've sort of kept myself busy, trying not to reflect on my problem at hand. :\ So, I'm gonna put that off a little longer.
Last night I dropped my cell phone into a sinkfull of water. I feel so stupid. But I took the battery out, shook the water out, blow dried it, then left it out to dry, so I think I did good. :D Today was rather easy. In Biology we did a lab where we used natural selection to change the equilibrium of a so-called balanced population that couldn't naturally exist. I thought it was a little retarded, but oh well. So we did that super fast, factored out the math, and did all the questions before the period ended. In health we watched a video on depression, pretty boring. I still think it'd be amusing to see my father on anti-depressents. Nothing like mind altering drugs to do the soul good. Right? Then we got into our new groups to work on the latest group project about stress. It shouldn't be too hard. I don't have total idiots in my group, but it's close. :\ So we made arrangements for them to come over to my house tomorrow from 3-5. Cross your fingers. Then in PE we did the sit and reach, I scored really well. I got a 15.5 and a 16.5. Most were getting like, 6 or 7. :D Ate lunch, fun stuff. Went to math, did three worksheets and chilled for a bit. Then I went home and relaxed a little. I can't beleive how fast this week has gone by. Then my dad came home, we grabbed something to eat at Burger King. Chicken nuggets<3 Then we went and saw The Last Samurai. It was a pretty cool movie, but seriously, Tom Cruise was pretty ugly. Usually he's sort of cute, like in Speed, but now, he's like a caveman. It was almost three hours long, but good. I think my dad has decided to put the computer in my room. We are going to go get wireless internet tomorrow, then we are going to find a desk set for me so I have a specific place to do my homework and hopefully my sewing, too. So, yeah, knock on wood. If and when I work, I think I want to work and save for a year, then travel all over the world for a year. I dunno, maybe I'll stay put, I just don't know, but I do know. I want to be with someone for the rest of my life, but I don't want to stay in one place, I want to be everywhere all at once.
<3

"I'm Sorry"-Voltaire

babydoll — 2003-12-07T08:12:00-05:00

Life has a way of making you humble
Day after day it's bringing you to your knees
all's okay, then everything crumbles
And all that you perceive is blowing away

But while I'm tearing at the seams
I'll apologize to anything
I'm sorry....

All's black and white when you're just a baby
You get some hair on your chin
you think you know everything
Years go by then everything's "maybe"
and all that you believe
Drowns in a sea of gray

But while I'm tearing at the seams
I'll apologize to anything
I'm sorry, I'm selfish
Im sorry, i behave this way
I'm sorry, couldn't help it
I'm sorry that you lost your faith in me

(I'm sorry that you lost your faith
I'm sorry that it rains
I'm sorry I ever came
I'm sorry, I'm sorry)

Anyways, figured out a way to get to see a counselor. Last year when I went to the gyno for the first time, she suggested that I may have IBS. I dismissed that idea because I had been feeling sick all week. But it seems that my symptons have persisted all the while. So, I had looked through some information on it, and one of the treatments is therapy, as opposed to drugs. So, yeah. I have to reschedual my gyno appt. I don't think I can go when I'm on my period. Heh, cha-ching.

"See the pain etched in my face? Oh I'm so sick and tired of the taste of tears, the sting of pain, the smell of fear, the sounds of crying out!"-Voltaire

I'm trying to earn a set of feathery wings.

Hanging around, nothing to do but frown...

babydoll — 2003-12-08T06:12:00-05:00

... rainy days and Mondays always get me down...

Karen Carpenter, she was a gorgeous girl, incredible singer, talented writer. So was her brother. Her death was a pity, although it may have put more behind her music after word got out that she was anorexic.
Anyways, just the random fact.

This morning, my father was upset about my grades and told me I'd better bring them up, etc. And then he went to hug me. I told him if he touched me, that I'd cough on him, so he left for work. :D That made me feel good.
Today went all right. Did a long-ass worksheet in CP Biology which involved Punett squares, and the Hardy-Weinberg equiliberium equation. Oi. :\ It's hard. Then in Health, the two people that didn't show up on Saturday weren't there today, and I don't want to be absent, but I can't help it. I think I might though. This flu sucks ASS. I checked my grade, and I now have an A in that class. :D So then we had to list our top five stressors, and our top five stressors our parents have.
My Top Five:
Living without my Mommy.
Living with my father
Personal (SB, I didn't put it down)
Grades
Social Life

My Father's Top Five:
Living without Mom
Money
Family
Raising a girl
Work

In PE, I forgot to bring my clothes home this weekend, so I didn't dress down. I just felt so icky. :\ Then I got lunch. My father brought me my cough syrup at 12:50, like I asked, and yeah. Mm, cough syrup. Then I went to math, got my math test back! I got an 82%, I was one of the 8 that passed the test. Hehe, hardcore. Then we did a worksheet. I finished. Woot. :\ I hate monomials. After math, I had to stay after school to help with the project. Elizabeth is gonna type it up, Sean is gonna red pen it, and I'll look over it. His Mom gave me a ride home, she's nice. He actually lives close to me, which is convienent for projects. Came home, downed another gulp of cough syrup, laid down. And that's about it. Then my dad came home, I made dinner, but he didn't want it. So he had left overs, and I had some stir-fry. Then I did my homework, just some questions from Biology about Artificial and natural selection.

Never knew I could feel like this.. like I'd never seen the sky before...

babydoll — 2003-12-11T08:12:00-05:00

... Want to vanish inside your kiss, everday I love you more than this, listen to my heart. Can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything. Seasons may change, winter to Spring, but I love you, till the end of time. Come what may, Come what may, I will love you until my dying day.
Suddenly seems such a perfect place. Suddenly it moves such a perfect grace. Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste. It all revolves around you. And there's no mountain too high, no river too wide. Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side. Storm clouds may gather. Stars may collide, but I love you. I love you, till the end, until the end of time.. come what may, come what may, I will love you, until my dying day.

Heh, there, a love song.
So, yeah, I've been sick. :( I caught the flu. I went to school Monday, felt crummy. Stayed home on Tuesday, felt horrible. I slept until 4pm that day. Went to bed early. Got up to go to the doctor on Wedsenday. Doctor said I have the 'nasty flu virus'. Say he gave me medicine and told me to stay home the rest of the week. Feeling better today. Ate meals, heh. :\ Went out to Target. My dad wants me to go to school tomorrow, but I'd rather do all the work that I've missed.Maybe I'll finish my sewing, too. I've figured out that I don't have that good of friends. None of them have called me to check up on me. I've been gone for three days. Wow, way to feel unappreciated, unwanted, etc. :\ I guess I don't play that important of a roll. Oh well.

"As you stand at the end of your life, what do you remember? Was it all you wanted? I'm trying to earn a set of feather wings. I wish I could protect you here. Oh please don't cry, now smile. As you stand at the end of your life, your troubles are over, mine are just beginning" - Voltaire

You could follow logic
or contest it all
the work solution makes the common house a home

the element of progress
that you mention is gone
it de-evolved to something you were headed toward

as i lay to die the things i think
did i waste my time. i think i did- i worked for life

all we want are just pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes

like a cast shadow
like a fathers dream
have a cut out son
what's a worse disease
to get that pretty little home

as i lay to die the things i think
i dont want to regret what i did- i worked for life

all we want are just pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes
agenda suicide, the drones work hard before they die
and give up on pretty little homes

(like a cast shadow)

our work makes pretty little homes
our work makes pretty little homes
agenda suicide. the drones work hard before they die
and give up on pretty little homes
"Agenda Suicide"-The Faint

Neat songs.

I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again...

babydoll — 2003-12-13T08:12:00-05:00

... I cause nothing but trouble, I understand if you can't talk to me again...

"White Flag"-Dido.
Dido, one of the few blonde women I find delicious. She is gorgeous, she has a plump face, I love that on girls.

Everytime I start to feel down. I think of the Goo Goo Dolls concert. My best memory to date. My best memories don't include my Mom. Which sounds odd, but it really isn't. My Mom wasn't one of those fun, lets go shopping for cute clothes, who's your crush sort of Moms. She was the want to do arts'n'crafts, homemaker, worry about money, conservative Moms. I don't know what my best memory with her is. I think back to trying to drive around Raleigh, NC, it was a miserable experience, but fun to think about. My Mom had no sense of direction whatsoever. So we were lost. All day. We finally found a mall, she called my dad at work:
Mom: "Jim, come get me"
Dad: "Where are you?"
Mom: "I don't know."
Dad: "You don't know?"
Mom: "We're at a mall, come get us"

Heh, that day, I learned there were some words hidden in her vocabulary. Heh. My Mom was funny when she was frustrated. Everybody loved her, she really lit up room sometimes.

Anyways, back on track.

Today I went out. First we got some lunch at TGIFridays. Pretty good. Then we went to Costco, got some stuff. Then went to Linen's and Things. I got my friend Karleen a set of purple stretchy lights to put in her room, and a SBSP sucker maker for Christmas. Then we went to Cost Plus, and I got her these rubber duckies that have occupations. One is a Doctor, Cop, and Firefighter. Then we picked her up from dance, and my dad dropped us off at the mall. I did my Christmas shopping. I got my brother Jon a Kung-Fu movie. I got Eric a tee shirt. I got Eric's girlfriend, Terra, a super cute purse. I couldn't find anyhting for Brian, and I didn't get anything for my father. :\ I dunno what to get both of them. Then, I had money, for me. I got ME five new thongs. :D One of them, it's red with banannas on it. And the banannas, are scratch and sniff. And they smell like banannas. Ah, sick pleasures. Another one is a g-string with crossbones, then a Felix the Cat one, and lace and yeah, lots of neat stuff.

"And she swears there's nothing wrong, I hear her playing that same old song. She puts up and puts me on. Had a bad again."- Fuel.

Father of mine, tell me where have you been?

babydoll — 2003-12-15T06:12:00-05:00

....You know I just closed my eyes, my whole world dissappeared....
"Father of Mine"-Everclear

My father, the asshole. It's official, I do hate him. And I'm only nice to him to get what I want, selfish, I know, but it works very well. I'm just sick of how he treats me. Yesterday I finished sewing a pair of pants I was 'modifying'. I tried them on to show to him, and he laughed. He laughed hard. So I turned around, went and changed back into what I was wearing. Then he came back in saying he was sorry for hurting my feelings. He didn't hurt my feelings, he offended me. Personally, if he feels like his honest opinion is the best, maybe I should give him mine. Ugh.
Today went all right. We had an assembly schedual, easier than a full day. At the assembly, we had a mime, he was pretty funny. I sat next to some friends, including Stacy. She tried to sit in my lap, wrapped her arms around me, layed her head on me, etc. She's... I dunno, interesting to say the least. Today was really long. I came home and was exhausted, took a nap for a bit, and that was about it. We went to the store, got groceries for the week, picked up meds, and came home. I ate my dinner, then my father decided that I needed to decorate that awful plastic thing he calls a tree. All the ornaments he had were bulbs. :\ I think he threw out the family ornaments. Asshole.
-elle

"Relics"-Bella Morte
As our faiths bleeds into day
This feeble dream is born
As dark winter's voice
As silent as the rain
A place is found within
Where hearts are formed of glass
And fragile songs are heard
As mist from ancient times

Everyone will fall again
Everything shall die again

And within the violet rose
Matures to fall in Ash
Our fears, cofirmed, do sleep
To trouble us no more
And in the dimming light
Her eyes do grace my thoughts
As haunting as the sea
As soft as winter's touch

Everyone will fall again
Everything shall die again

I put on my mittens, one green and one red...

babydoll — 2003-12-17T07:12:00-05:00

.... and I walk alone where they bury the dead...
Now Playing: "Christmas Sucks"-Tom Waits and Peter Murphy.
Lovely, eh? This song is neat.

This morning I had to drag myself out of bed, I fought it for so long, but now it's hit me. My Christmas insomnia. No matter how much I sleep, and sleep, I can't rest. So I slept a little in Bilogy, ate some breakfast between first and second passing period, and felt better. We're doing sex ed in Health. Monday and Tuesday we spent on the male genitals, and today (tomorrow too) we worked on the female genitals. It's pretty interesting. But since I found out what a pap smear is, I cringe at the thought. :: shudder:: I hate having to go. But it's best. My health teacher has some of the most disgusting stories, but I think that's what really wakes me up in the morning. In PE, we're doing square dancing, yee haw. ;) In the middle there was a set of roudy sophomores boys that are pretty cute. Since there are an extra 20 boys, the girls rotated. The boys can't dance with boys because last year the school had complaints from parents because it was 'gay'. So, when the four of us, (Brittany, Tess, Allison, and I) got there, they were all like "You better not mess up, we have meddles for this" It was funny. The guy I was partnered to dance with accidentally elbowed me in the forehead. I had this huge red spot on my forehead all the way through lunch, but it went away after I iced it. In math we reviewed for the test, and Mr. Grahl tried to show me how to factor polynomials, but, grr. It's hard, so he's giving me extra days to take care of that. So, oi. :\ When I got home today, I had a slice of my chocolate cream pie I made, super yummy. Then I fiddled on the computer. Woo. My brother Chris called around five to talk to my dad, say thanks for the gift money, but my dad wasn't home. So I talked to him for a bit, asked about my neice, then I talked to Sonya, she wants me to come down for a month this summer, I think I might do that, sounds like it'd be fun. But, damn, it'll be hot, and muggy. I like the humidity, but not that heat. Then my dad came home. I made myself dinner, which was just chicken nuggets and a bread roll. Yum. Then we went to Wal-mart. I got gifts for some friends. I got a mini-M&M dispenser for Chris, Elanore, and Katie. And I got a box of chocolates for Denise, Lindsay, Eddie and Ariele. So, yeah. :) There, what a good person I am. I miss Rachel, I wish she'd move back for and spend Christmas with me. I wrapped all the presents I got for friends, the present my father got for his secretary Dawn, the ornament for his work's ornament exchange, and two big tennis balls I got for my brother, Eric's, dog, Isabella.

Eyes of honey look me down..

babydoll — 2003-12-19T06:12:00-05:00

... lips like roses line her mouth...

Le sigh, hard past couple of days. Especially with school and an ex/friend. So, yeah, to start with, School:
I might get a C in three classes. In Biology, he gave me this lab that I could not figure out, at all. So I did everything else, which wasn't much. And in PE, I missed a week and can't do run make ups. Then in Math, worksheets, I had trouble with them, but I'll finish them over break and turn them in. So, that's it for school, finals will be coming up soon, so that'll help me.

Ex-boyfriend/Friend:
He's sick, his heart is. I could tell his heart was tweaked when I could hear it beating... but I didn't think it was this bad, and of course I never said anything. Thought it'd be a bad subject, and he sort of hinted at it. Then he finally came out and told me. Wow, did that hurt. He wants to move to NJ to be with this chick he loves(?) I support him going. He worries about me, that he won't be able to check in on me, etc. Which is true, he really wouldn't, and it'd suck, but I just want him to do what he thinks is right.

Anyhoo. In Biology we watched my favorite science video. Hemo the Magnificent. Of course, I forgot my glasses today. :\ So, it was blurry. Denise and Elanor got me presents. Denise got me candy, and Elanor got me this really neat and fancy soap. In Health, we watched a Science of the Sexes video, and since it was blurry, this one picture of a couple having sex reminded me of a neopet. It was odd. Then in PE, more square dancing. Ate lunch. Then went to math, we did holiday fun math sheets. Lovely. Came home, hung out, then my dad took me out to dinner at Chilie's, and now he's at a party.

Hehehe...

babydoll — 2003-12-19T09:12:00-05:00

Your Sexual Profile (you sexual deviant you...) by sparkledee
Name
Your Secret Kink Thing	You sniff panties.
Your Sexual Strength	You recharge instantly..
Your Sexual Weakness	Your freaky noises during sex
Your Likely STD	You're clean! Hurray for you!
How Many Partners in Crime?	22

Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Three heavy stones to keep it from floating. Weigh it down to the bottom, food for the fishes....

babydoll — 2003-12-20T09:12:00-05:00

... and I know that it won't be discovered. 'cause I will be careful, so very careful. What if it doesn't rain for days? And the river is reduced to it's muddy bed. With the corpse exposed I would work in haste....
Now Playing: "Ex-Lover's Lover"-Voltaire
A must have for any goth gal or guy. :)

So, yesh.. Today. I woke up at 8:30, but chilled in bed because my father was doing housework, and I didn't want to get in his way. Then I came down stairs, he has moved the comptuer to the otherside of the room, again. So I grabbed some of my stuff and put it up in my room. Then I cleaned off my stuff from the table. Then my father and I carried up boards for my desk. So now I have a desk in my room. :D My brother is gonna set up the stuff for wireless internet in my room. :D It'll be fun. So then I showered, got dressed, and headed to Starbucks to meet Eddie to go paint. He got his needed coffee, and I got a bagel and chips for lunch. I grabbed a small jamba juice and went to paint. I ate really quick, then I picked out a Piggy Bank to paint, and Eddie picked out a snowman mug. I finally kicked my artistic block. I think having a friend with me helped out a lot. So, yeah. I decided to paint a farm on my piggy. I put an apple tree on it's ass. A farm on it's face, sky with clouds on the inside of it's ears, mountains on the back of it's ears, a pond with ducks in it on it's back, sheep on it's right side with a dog, a pig on it's left side. Then towards the bottom I put some bushes with flowers, and on it's feet I put a road. It looks.. awesome. And everyone who saw it told me so. I felt very good about it. Then I starting feeling sick for the last 45 minutes. The chips were way to salty. So I finished up quickly. Eddie asked me to pick up his stuff since he's gonna be in Mexico visiting family. Eddie rocks. He and I can just sit there and complain, it's great. He and I both hate most of the same stuff. He's fun to hang around with. So my father picked me up, I came home, and threw up. :\ So it's good I finished quickly. So I just sort of relaxed and sipped soda till I felt better. Then my father left for his dance thing at five. I decided to hook up my sega genesis. :D I love it. I watched The Two Towers today. And that's about it. Lots of fun.

Coming to meet ya, tell ya I'm sorry....

babydoll — 2003-12-26T06:12:00-05:00

... You don't know how lovely you are...

So, yeah, long ass time since I updated. Last Monday family came, blah blah blah, lots of family. My brother's dog Isabella AKA Izzy, kicks ass. She is a St. Bernard puppy that weighs 90lbs already.
So, this is the 'what I got for Christmas' list:
My sister gave me a blanket, and two pictures of my nephew
Three 25$ gift cards for best buy from Brian, Chris, and my father.
50$ gift card to Dimples from my father
20$ to Borders from Eric and terra
Beeswax stuff from Eric and Terra
A ginger berry candle from Eric and Terra
A Lemony Snicket book set
Sewing machine
New snowboarding boots
and... a Toshiba SatelliteM20 laptop with wireless internet in my room. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D Woot!!
I scored well.

On Christmas day, extended family from the San Francisco area came down to visit. My Mom's cousins Ryan and Bill, and her Uncle Tinney. We had a good dinner of nearly raw prime rib, and it was pretty good. Then I did the dishes for all TEN people without being asked and took care of leftovers, etc. Then I served everyone dessert and we had a grand time, then they went home. Today we got the wireless internet hooked up in my room. :) Yay! Then we went to Best Buy, I bought three CDs for myself. I got Parachutes by Coldplay, A Rush of Blood to the Head by Coldplay, and Thirteenth Step by A Perfect Circle. My brother bought a Jimmy Eat World CD for me that he borrowed and forgot to give back to me before he moved. Then we went to the mall and split off to do our own shopping. I got a book called Sybil from Borders. It's abotu this girl that had Multiple Personality Disorder. Then we came home, they watched Bad Boys2 and I have been playing on my computer. Ryan called around 6:20 to tell us that Uncle Tinney had a stroke last night. They are running tests and stuff to see how he'll be. And, yeah. That's about it. They are out to dinner and going to a comedy club. So I ordered a olive and pineapple pizza. Yum Yum!!

Two pints of booze.. tell me are you a badfish too?

babydoll — 2003-12-28T03:12:00-05:00

... ain't got no money to spend, hope the night will never end... Lord knows I'm weak...

Mmm... gotta love Sublime.

Anyhoo.. blah, just blah, still loving my laptop. :) My brother leaves tonight at seven. So we'll go drop him off at the airport around five.

And tomorrow, we leave for Seattle. We have to stop at plants along the way though. :\ Blah, lots of books to be read now. We leave at 8am. Happy New Year.

Tell me your secrets.. ask me your questions...

babydoll — 2003-12-29T07:12:00-05:00

... lets go back to the start....

So, yeah, the passes to drive up to Seattle were closed. So we are gonna fly up there tomorrow morning at 7am. So I spent the day being idle, chilling. Watched a couple TV shows I really like. Full House, Saved by the Bell, and ER. Happy stuff. Then I tried to make hashbrowns, and that just did not want to work. So I gave up, made the rest of the bacon, and some toast with it. woo. Then I watched some of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Fiddled on the computer, then I came downstairs and napped. My father came home at 5pm, he fell asleep. Then we went and grabbed dinner at Taco Bell. :\

The stairway up the La Butte, can make the wretched sigh...

babydoll — 2004-01-01T10:01:00-05:00

... while windmill wings of the Moulan shelter us...

Le sigh. The Seattle trip was fairly good.

Tuesday: We arrived in Seattle at 9am. We got our luggage and went to West Seattle to see Duane, a friend of the family, and go to brunch. We had brunch, then he went back to his house to finish cleaning and we went to Belle Square for some shopping. I got two pairs of regular pants. They are striped corduroy. They are sort of snug. :\ Then we hung out at the hotel forever, or until our dinner reservations. I wore one of my new pants and a sweatshirt that matched. We went to PF Changs. My brother Brian, and my Uncle John met us there. We had a really good dinner.

Wedsenday: In the morning it was snowing, so my father was all freaked out so we had to change our plane tickets. After getting dressed we went to Uncle John's to visit and drop off presents. We stayed and my father talked to them from 10:00am to 1:55pm. :\ That was a long time to sit and listen. Then we were gonna go over to Duane and Luerettas for New Years eve, but they wanted us to come over later. So we got some lunch, looked for something more dressy to wear. I didn't find anything I liked. Then we went back to the hotel and my father napped, and I just watched some TV. We headed over to West Seattle around 4:30, we got there and talked for a little bit, then we went to the orignal JaK's steakhouse. I had the best steak skewers, ever. They were good, nice and pink and juicy. They drank two bottles of wine together. We stopped to get some ice cream. Duane started to talk about my Mom. How he knew that she was on her death bed, and that he said his last goodbye. It hurt so bad listening to him talk about her. :'( Then we drove back to their place, talked for another hour or two, had some homemade apple crisp, it was really good. Came back to the hotel room, slept.

Thursday: Woke up at 2am with the worst hot flashes. I was up forever it seemed, then I fell back asleep. Of course, my father got up at 3:30 and started to read. The noise of him being up kept me up, and I was burning up. So I was just up, asked him to turn on the fan. He said he was freezing cold, so I was up from 3:30am till 4:30. Then people started to come home from parties at 5:30, my father got up and yelled at them, which woke me up. So I went back to sleep shortly afterward, then he woke me up at 6:15 to go to the airport. I got dressed, packed and we went to the airport. We waited in a fifteen minute line, then we had two hours to wait. Got breakfast and waited. We boarded, got a nearly empty flight, I was so tired I fell asleep almost. The dumb fuck running the mic kept coming on and announcing the weather, and stuff. :\ We got off the plane, and then the power goes out, but it came back on, so it was okay. We got to the car, it was raining really bad. Then we went to the store got some groceries for the week and came home. I was unloading groceries and Mike M. called. Karleen and them broke up. He was freaking out wondering why because he didn't know why, but I'm guessing she's still in Belize. Then I made myself some lunch, fiddled on the computer, then I made dinner later. I tried to make gnocci. It was disgusting. So I had two go-gurts and a strawberry uncrustable. Then Farrett wanted me to go with him and Marissa to Borders, Starbucks, and Blockbuster. I rented a movie at Blockbuster. I rented Jacob the Liar. It looks pretty good. Then Farrett got mad because I didn't want them over watching softcore porn. :\ So we went back home. And now I'm here, tired as hell.

Refrain; confess... Contain; repress, pretend I'm dead...

babydoll — 2004-01-06T08:01:00-05:00

...abuse myself, confuse myself, I won't relent...

Long time, no update... well... not too much has happened. On Saturday I got my father to pull out some money from my savings so I could buy some new pants. I got two new pairs from Hot Topic. Then I got a a miniature Schnauzer calendar for the year 2004. Lacy came with me to the mall, which was cool. She's always quiet and stuff. Then my father dropped us off at the movies where we 'saw' Mona Lisa Smile, but went to Bad Santa, which was funny. Then she invited herself over to the spend the night. We spent the night watching Law and Order episodes. Got up sort of early on Sunday morning, watched The New Guy and some of Ferris Buelers Day Off. My father and I ran some errands, and that was our lazy Sunday. Monday went all right. EVERYONE loved my pink hair. :) Makes me happy. I got a Gonzo Pez dispenser from Matt. Hehe. Biology is still borning, talking about STDs in health, square dancing in PE, and Mean, Mode, and Meadian in math. Oi.

Today... Biology, very boring, lots of homework, detail later. In Health, more about the lovely STDs, makes me paranoid. :\ More square dancing in PE. During lunch my father picked me up and dropped me off at my Gyno appointment. I filled out paperwork, and waited, nervously. Then I got called in, disrobed and got into some very thin sheets. My doctor, came in, cheerful as usualy, so I tried to get the nervousness out of me. She did a breast exam, which seemed more painful then before. She said I have some sort of cyst in both my breasts. Nothing serious. Then I had to lay back, and do the pap smear. The Speculum she used must of been different. She inserted it, then when it got to cervix,she started to turn the dial to spread my cervix, and it CLICKED! The first thing I thought of was being on the rack, so I got tense, and it started to hurt. She did a swab, put it in a container, did another swab, and then started to label while the speculum was IN ME. I kept trying to think happy thoughts, and couldn't find a single one for the life of me. :\ Then we talked about my period, she switched my birth control AGAIN. I've been on four different birth control pills in the last year. Ugggggg. Then I got dressed and left. My father took me to get some lunch, and dropped me back off at school. In math we have stem and leaf graphs. Easy stuff. Came home, slept a little. Then I had dinner, went out and ran errands with my father. We went and got some stuff to waterproof my snowboarding gear. Then we went to Walmart to get cards for Wyatt's second birthday, and I got some make-up. Then we came home, and I did my homework. In Biology, we were given 14 time periods to draw a picture for, so I did that. The 14th one was the NOW period. So I drew dead fishies, greedy stick men with money, toxic wast, radiation, aerosol cans, anti-nazi symbol, since everyone in school seems to be all self-righteous about Nazism, and some factories, go me.

When you wake up tomorrow...

babydoll — 2004-01-11T10:01:00-05:00

... you'll wake up alone....

Yesterday I went snowboarding on the ski bus. :D Got up at 5:30, got to the bus stop at 6:30, but came at 7:10. On the bus everybody recognized me, it was nice. It felt good that people remembered me, and sort of missed me. Chris wasn't there, which was a bummer, he was fun to board with. Nathan was there though. o.O I sat with Christian, he's like, 8 or 9, neat little kid. We played Bull Shit and watched Hook on the way up. When we got there, I buddied up with Nathan and took off while everyone was still getting their stuff together. We went up on the chair lift instead of the gondola. Big mistake, we went down the easiest route and got stuck on a diamond that was frozen riffs. :\ It sucked, so we opted to slide down on our asses. We eventually got down, we were on some softer snow, I was going along pretty fast, then I went to my toe edge and hit some ice under snow. :\ So I slipped and fell back onto my butt, and my elbows. Nathan was following me on my tail, so he nicked my arm with his board... leaving a huge welt and bruise, so far. Heh. Then we got up, went down, headed up on the gondola for the easier runs which were much nicer. He started to do what he did last year... which was cuddling and trying to kiss me. He kept trying to make out, and stuff, but a) my goggles were in the way, and b) I wasn't that interested. I liked the cuddling, I haven't been close to someone like that in months. Even with Jake, that was just sex... Then he went to meet up with his uncle and cousins for lunch and afternoon boarding. I hooked up to go boarding with these two brothers, one was 18, his name was Ted, and the other was 20, his name was Jon. Neat brothers. Ted goes to Jesuit highschool, it's private, and Jon is at his fifth year in Sierra College. They are sort of beginning to board, so I felt pretty good, all special that I could board. We finished off the day, got to the bus at 3:10. Got on and all situated. I switched seats with Nick to sit by Nathan before he got on. And then he was just cold to me. :\ I dunno what I did. But he's an ass anyways. No big deal. But of course, someone got lost, so we didn't leave for another hour. On the way home, I watched Hook and listened to my CD player. Then I got off the bus, got all my stuff, except my wallet which I discovered later. Bill, my dad's boss picked me up, he put my boots and backpack in his explore, and I put my board in, he opened the door for me to get in. :\ Then he dropped me off at home, and I got freshened up and changed. He picked me up again and went to his house for dinner. At their place, we had pork chops(ewww, but I ate some of it) green beans, rice, and then some Lemon Marangue pie. Then he took me home, walked me to the door and wished me sweet dreams, heh. :\ I went and took a bath, then I talked to a few friends, and went to bed.

Woke up today, got dressed and stuff, went downstairs, and first thing I get is bitched at, just because my father has some crap on 'his' computer. Some permanent porn favorites links. I dunno what it is. But he's blaming me, and I didn't do it. I don't even save links, of anything. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I need to get out today, I can't stay here, and if I do, I'm staying in my room. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! :\

Take your hatred out on me... make your victim my neck...

babydoll — 2004-01-18T06:01:00-05:00

... you never ever believed in me.. I am your tourniquet...

So, long time, lacking update. Monday, blah, Tuesday, blah, Wedsenday..
I had finals for period one, CP Biology, and three, PE, I don't know how well I did on the biology final. But PE was just running the mile and a half and doing body composition. Boring.
Thursday. Finals for period two, health, and four, Math. My health final went well. I got a 94/104. Which I'm happy about. Math was a very iffy. :\
Friday, hung out with a couple friends. Went and got a new tee shirt. Skinny Puppy.. mmmmm...
Saturday: Got up, caught the bus to go up snowboarding. They split up the route this time, less people. No Nathan, ha. I got my own seat. I boarded with Kelly all day. She was cool. Her Mom had cancer, but got all better. We talked a lot. Then we had lunch with some guys since we couldn't find a table, one kept trying to pick me up, then I took my sweatshirt off and revealed my freshman class shirt, and the look on his face was priceless, he was an ass. Came home, went and picked up the Eddie Izzard DVD I ordered, watched it. Found out my father broke the toilet seat when he sat down. HAHA!
Sunday: Got up, got dressed, went grocery shopping, ate lunch, went over to Garrett's, came home, went to a movie, Garrett came over, we watched some Eddie Izzard, he went home, I called Rachel, had dinner, cleaned up, and now I'm here. Feeling rather shitty, to be honest, just in a foul mood today maybe. I feel like everything is just against me right now. Arg. Bunch of assholes, everything, everyone. Even my fucking wireless peice of shit mouse which is no longer working. So I have to use the blue thing on my keepboard to move the cursor, arg.

Everbody's someone else's nigger, I know you are, so am I. I wasn't born with enough middle fingers. I don't need them to decide. I better, better, better not say this, I better better not tell... I hate the hater, I rape the raper.

Hey victim? should I black your eyes again?

Fucking niggers.

Magnify the thoughts that never leave me....

babydoll — 2004-01-20T06:01:00-05:00

... the red is now reflected in the goooore...

So,yeah,let's start with Monday.
Got up kind of early, around 9am. Then I watched an episode of ER. Went back upstairs and started to clean up my room a little. After that I took a shower, got dressed, and finished cleaning up my room. My father came home for lunch, I reminded him that I had a dermatologist appointment for 3:45. Then I ate lunch, fiddled in my room, and whatnot. 3:45 came, so he picked me up, went to the doctors office. The doctor was nice. She looked at my acne and at the two scars on my back. So, yeah, acne, not so bad. She gave me some more creams that will hopefully work better. Then she talked to me about the scars. I thought the scars were from getting sunburnt when I was little, because that happened a lot and since then I'm really careful about sunscreen and stuff. She told me that I have something called Morpheous(sp?). From what she told me, it seems that my body starting to make antibodies for protiens in my skin, and was targeted to a couple of areas on my back. It started destroying tissue and it turned into a big ugly scar. She said that I need to watch it, make sure that it doesn't get bigger, that it doesn't turn to red on the edges, and to get it remeasured once a year or so. She said it looked to be dormant/dead. It is possible to come back, but unlikely. Which is scary, because some people have died from it. And, yeah. I cannot find anything about it online. I don't know if I'm spelling it right, but still... It's scary. We went home, thought about it. Then I decided to make home-made tomatoe soup. So we went to the store, got some ingrediants for the recipe. I made the soup. It was.. interesting. I think I may have put too much cream and too much garlic in it. I have trouble figuring out how far garlic will go. I think I liked it. Still a little iffy about it. Siiiigh..

Today, Tuesday:
So, yeah, got my schedual from the small gym lobby, and went to my first period class. Art. Very, very good class. Mr. Cordell is cute, nice, and a lot of the basic art pieces will be fun. I'm happy about this class. Then, to Spanish. Which seems to be nice. I have Cova for spanish. She's nice. We did the alphabet, and colors. and we picked out our Spanish names.. mine is LOLITA! Ta da. Then I have first lunch, arg. :\ I don't like having first lunch, blah. Then I went over to my English class with Padgett, nice lady. Really sarcastic. We made name tags and word/s to go with us. I made a rainbow, wrote snow, writing, Vladamir Nabokov, and Vicious humor on it. :D Ta da. She noticed, and asked me if I had read Lolita, and of course I had.:D Then, off to Math with Vaughan. I got my grades, too, I think it will be a A in PE, a A in Health, a C in Biology, and a C in Math. :( Sad. I sucked sooooo bad. :'(

Sorry, long time, no update...

babydoll — 2004-01-28T06:01:00-05:00

Anyways... last week was, well, uneventful, really... heh..
In art, we finished our portfolios with the four pictures, one of a tree, building, face and landscape. I think I did fairly well. In Spanish, we learned greetings, saying our name, etc. In English, we are doing essays, yucky. And in math, the usual crap.
Although, on Friday, I had an interesting run in with anti-abortioners pro-life people... heh, it ended interestingly, etc... Spent the night at Kat's saturday night, blech. :\ Sunday... just chilled.. Monday, went to school, same stuff, tuesday, blah... Today, I woke up not feeling so good, and having to pee like a mo-fo. So I did, then I had to again, and again, but not much happened. Toward the middle of the day, it started burning. So I (PAINFULLY) waited out the rest of the day, using one of my passes in math. :( Then there was a lil bit of blood. I got home, called my dad, and he was not happy. He was like "Whatever, call Dr. Cau, see if you can even get in" and he hung up on me. Then he picked me up later, and said that he had so much work, etc. Then I talked to the doctor, he asked me if there was any blood, I told him a little bit, then he told me I have a bladder infection and prescribed me anti-biotics and the stuff that turns my pee orange. I came home, did my homework, laid down. Then I made myself some dinner later, and rawr. I hate bladder infections.

You let me desecrat you.. you let me penetrate you...

babydoll — 2004-02-03T03:02:00-05:00

.. you let me complicate you.. help me, I broke apart my inside, help me, I got no soul to sell..

So, yeah. Lately... ummm.. we'll start with Saturday. k?
Saturday: Went snowboarding. And who was there this time? Nathan. So I wanted to leave quickly before he asked to buddy up with me, so we left, and he followed Kelly and I. We got to the gondola, and I had totally forgotten to grab my ticket, so I had to walk back to the bus and get my ticket. Luckily they saved it for me. Heh. Then we went up, snowboarded all morning. Everytime he got a chance, Nathan tried to wrap his arms around me, but I kept pushing him away. Good for me, eh? Then we met up with Kyle, Jon and Ted for lunch. We ate at the shit cafe. :\ So I had a baked potato and a piece of cake. Kelly wasn't feeling so well, so she stayed in with someone. Nathan and I hit a run, then we headed to the terrain park. After a couple runs on it, he left to go do some other runs. I stayed and hung out with Ted and Jon, convincing them to try the boxes. Which they did, and did well on. Well, on my first run down the boxes, the first two were rainbow boxes that didn't have much of a drop off, so on the third one, I decided to catch a lot more speed. I flew off that fucker, caught at least four feet of air, and landed with my knees locked. Oopsy. So I toughed out the rest of the day, and headed home.
Sunday:
Superbowl, woo. :\ So I stayed home until my father got done golphing, which he came home around 2:15, so he dropped me off at Karleen's house and he went to his party. I brought candy over to Karleen's. We watched Eddie Izzard, and American Beauty. It was fun. I got my Christmas present from her and her dad. She gave me two mulberry candles, two candy things, and her dad gave me 20 penguin finger puppets. Hehe.
Monday: It was a minimum day, so it was pretty boring. We just sort of hung out, did busy work. Then I came home, hung out, chilled, worked on homework. My father came home and we got some groceries. I finished up my homework, then my father left for Back to School Night. He loves my Math teacher, really likes my Art teacher, likes my English teacher, and thinks my Spanish teacher is a feather brain. Haha. Later that night though, everything went downhill, and I'd just rather leave it at that. :\
Today:
In Art, we learned how to draw clouds, and my clouds look like shit. :( In Spanish, we watched Fools Rush In. Awesome movie. Very sweet. In English, we wrote about our favorite villain and read a little of The Most Dangerous Game. Then, in Math, we took a chapter test. I think I did all right on it, knock on wood. Tonight I'm making Lomo Saltados for dinner, for the first time, wish me luck. <3
Today:

I wanna fuck you like an animal. I wanna feel you from the inside.

Making love in the afternoon with cecilia up in my bedroom....

babydoll — 2004-02-06T04:02:00-05:00

....I got up to wash my face, someone's taking my place. Cecilia, you're breaking my heart, you're shaking my confidence baby...

MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: My sister... who is coming on Sunday, is pregnant with kid number two!! She told us on Wedsenday evening. :) I'm super excited. She alread has a son, his name is Wyatt James. If it's a girl, her name will be Corrina Marcia Corrine. The middle names are after my Mom. I think that she will name it after her husband's dad if it's a boy. Hehe. And, one of the best things about it, she thinks the due date will be my birthday. :D

Art, ahhh, I love it. We are starting our pencil landscape drawings. I found a picture of a ghost town in The Shashoni part of Wyoming. It looks super neat. In the background I'm gonna put a desert and a rainstorm, in the forground I plan to put a tattered baby buggy. I'm excited to draw it. It'll look really neat. When I finish, I'll make sure to take a picture of it.:D Heh.
Math. On my big Math test, I got a B-, 80% exactly. I have a C in that class, a 76%. I got a really bad quiz. An F-, I got 6/20, which is 30 percent. So, yeah. Ouch. That's what broke it. :( Oh well.
English. Working on vocab, read a neat story called The Most Dangerous Game, it was about a hunter that fell of a yacht, landed on an island, discovered the man who owned it, and his new quarry. Which was men. And yeah, sort of a mouse and cat sort of thing. I liked it.
Spanish. Hola. Me llamo Lolita. Soy de California. Me gustan chicas y chicos. Me amigo, Benjamin, es muy loco. Me hermana es impregnente. :D Me estoy muy feliz. Me espanol maestra he una punta.

:D

I knew this girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend...

babydoll — 2004-02-14T07:02:00-05:00

... I met her in the hotel lobby masturbating to a magazine....

What a week. Having my sister here was great. We've had a bit of fun and whatnot. I didn't get much.. or any me-time really, but it was okay. Her plane home was cancelled because of the snow in Dallas, so she's here for another day. Which is good... After my father and her left the house.. I cried pretty hard. :\ She reminds me a lot of my Mom. We had real meals this week. We did things, and, it was just nice. School went fine. I'm very annoyed with my Spanish teacher. Uggg. Yesterday I got a present and a few Valentines and stuff. Britney gave me a six foot stuffed snake. It's neat, along with a pillow and a blanket.
Today is Valentine's Day. And, yeah. I got asked by a couple people. First it was a kid in my art class, then it was Dayvid, then it was Curtis. I wanted to just hang out with Curtis, but my father said no since he's 18 now. But, today I hung out with Eddie. We went and saw Barbershop 2, then we went to the arcade, and then we came back to my house and watched Lion King 1/2. Not a date or anything, just friends. So. Blah.

Amanda is in love with the sight of the moon...

babydoll — 2004-02-23T07:02:00-05:00

... she's got pale green stars in her room... right above her bed...

I've fallen in love with this song. I really listened to it this morning. It's "Pale Green Stars" by Everclear. I love listening to the guitar and bass guitar. They're so melodic and mesmorizing. I listened to it a lot today. Anyways, shame on me for not updating sooner. My internet has been really, really, really shitty. Well, okay, updates.

Wedsenday I went to a chiropractor just to pop my back since it was aching from a bad jump snowboarding two weeks ago. Well, he had to take X-rays and found a couple problems. My vertabrae are twisted, my neck looks like I had whiplash, my neck is crooked, my hip and shoulders are slanted to the right, and my muscles are spasmed. So, first he put me on a massage table machine, which wasn't so bad. Then his assistant turned me over and put electrodes on my back to stimulate and relax muscles around my shoulders. After that, he took me to this weird table to loosen my lower back. It was like a table that had a dropping end. He put his hand on my lower back, then he went lower, and lower.. then he was pushing my pants and thong down a little. And he left his hand there, grabbing at me. Christ, that was humiliating. After that, I went to the actual table, and the guy went over what was wrong with my back to my father, then my father left, and he popped a lot of bones. I told my dad a couple days later about what his assistant did, and he told me that he shouldn't of done that, and I thought that it was procedure. So I dunno if I'm going back or what. He said I needed to come back about once a week for a while.

School!
Art: I fucking love this class. Mr. Cordell is a neat teacher, he knows a lot about placement. Our current project is a pencil landscape drawing. My landscape includes four building of a ghost town to a vanishing point. An old fashioned babybuggy in the forground, a broken fence in the distance, and in the sky, there are very dark clouds and a lightning bolt. I have a 94% in that class, which I am happy with.
Spanish: I'm doing so-so in Spanish. I have an 88.1% which is the second highest grade. This one chick who's Dad speaks spanish has an A. I know for a fact, that I have the most participation points, like 58 or something, I set the bar. The person closest to me has like, 40. :D So, yes. I win. Senora Cova has a rare diseas called Chubbers disease and a tumor on her pituitary gland. So she's gonna have brain surgery and be out for a month or so, then we'll get a better Spanish teacher, I hope, and learn some more Spanish.
English: We've been reading Of Mice and Men, which I enjoyed thuroghly. We finished it today in class, and we get to watch the movie soon. Our next book is To Kill a Mockingbird. I have a 96% in this class. I really enjoy it.
Math: The root of all evils. I'm struggling with math pretty bad still. But I did fairly well on the last big test, I got an 86%. So my grade has risen from a 76% to a 79.98%, which I am very proud of, I almost have a B. If I finally start to figure this shit out, I might have a 3.5 again.
Hmm.. that's really about it. I went snowboarding on Saturday, had a great time. I hit a tree, but really, it was only a babytree, and that bitch was in my way of nice powder and jumps. Then on Sunday, my father and I went out shopping. At first it was to just get shoes, we went to Target. He bought me some really cute socks. Then we went to the mall and got three pairs of jeans from JC Penny's, and a light pink shirt with rhinestones from Rave. I'm content I guess. I'm gonna start to dress a little more girly. ack.
<3

"It's hard on a girl when the blood won't come, when it ought to come.."

It's hard on a girl.

I'm disappointed in myself. I said I wanted to change, and wanted to talk about my past and take care of some problems, but I haven't yet, I just, I dunno, I try to forget a lot of it. I'm a little lost right now.

She gets tired of all those stupid boys, she can't wait till they're done...

babydoll — 2004-03-09T03:03:00-05:00

...She wants a man who can take his time, she wants someone who can make her cummmm....

So... yes... long time not update, shame on me again. Anyways, what's new in school first.
Art: I have finally finished my pencil landscape drawing. There is a town, a railroad, a babycarrage tilting on the railroad, the sky is cloudy, and it's raining. It looks awesome. I'm so happy. I turned it in Monday. My grade on it is one of the three highest. (We all had the same score) Which was a 97/100. :D Go me. I talked to someone who had fourth period art with a different teacher, and he said that a ton of people were gathered around my drawing. I'm very happy with it. :D Go me. My grade is 96% in that class.
Spanish: Ugg... we have my friend's dad for a sub. He is horrible. All the class is now is book regurgatation. I can do all of this on my own. He wrote the weeks homework down, and I did it in 20 minutes. It's absoluntly horrible. This class is worse than Math! Icky. :\ My grade is like, 88.1 % still.
English: Well... we finished reading Of Mice and Men, took a final, etc. Then we started doing some stuff on Euthanasia. We had to prepare a speach and all that good stuff. I semi-prepared for my speach. And of course, I got drawn out of the hat fourth. So I ended up having only memorized the first sentence of my speach, winged the rest, and kicked ass like a mofo. So, go me. :D
Math: Working on it. Just got a tutor, I go twice a week until after finals, then just once a week. I feel confident this will help.

In general. Well, today I'm going to go get contacts. I'm excited. I might get colored. But, I dunno, you know? I like my eye color, but it's nice to try something different sometimes. That's really about it. Not much has been going on. I go snowboarding on Saturdays. Friday night I ate at the Jr. High for the speghetti dinner concert. There was a drawing and I won four free pizzas from Round Table. So that was cool. I got some food poisoning from that, so I couldn't go snowboarding on Saturday. I felt better later, so we went out car shopping. We found a car I like, and is reasonable. It's a red 2001 Oldsmobile Alero, it has 36,000 miles on it, it's 6,900$, but... it reaks of cat lady, old dead cat lady. :\ My dad and I are both allergic to cats, so unless we can get the smell out, we don't know. That's it. I think.

I haven't updated in forever... oopsies, again.

babydoll — 2004-04-03T08:04:00-05:00

Well, we'll start with school.
Art: We started oil pastels. I decided to combine two paintings I liked a lot together. One is from Renoir, and the other is from Lauwarnce Altma. Both are sort of nudes. It looks really good. We're suppose to make it look paterly, so I decided to try melting oil pastels and doing it that way. It looks totally awesome. My art teacher says that it is 'so Van Gogh' :D Wo0t. Unfortunantly, it is doomed. At first, pieces of pastel would fall off. Then, someone found where I put it and tampered with it. Then, I was gonna put it on rienforced board, as I was carrying it with my picture on top, I slipped on a backpack and dropped it. Oof. So I've decided to glue the stuff back on. LoL. My final grade was a 98 after midterms. :D
Spanish: Getting better. Senor Maynord isn't too bad. The final went fairly well, I got an 83% on my final, and that was also my final grade. So I did sort of good. Still behind other classes though.
English: We are reading Romeo and Juliet. Our final for that was to recite the prologue, and I sort of forgot it, so I got a 45/50 on that, and my final grade was 96% Good stuff.
Math: AAAAAAACkkkkkkkk! I hate it. I H-A-T-E it. :( I try so hard and still don't do very well. I got a D, 66% on my final, so my final grade was a C+, 76%. :(

New News:
I got a car. Yes, a C-A-R. And it is not hotwheels!! It is a 2004 Candy Apple Red V6 Coupe Mustang. It is very pretty, and it is my baby. Hehe. I love it. I can get my permit after spring break, and then my father will teach me how to drive a stick.
That's really about it though.
<3
elle

Shame on Elle! Update more!

babydoll — 2004-04-26T06:04:00-05:00

Not much is new though. I still love my car, to death. <3<3 I'm currently trying to enroll in Emergency medical technician training at Sierra College. counselor and principle approved, so maybe I will get to go. :D If I don't, I'm going to Dallas for six weeks. :\Oofta. Art is good, finished my project with success. Spanish is blah, pretty fricken boring. English, we finally finished Romeo and Juliet. We started To Kill a Mockingbird. And in Math, I'm still having trouble. Yep, same old same old. Talked to my first bf/fuck the other day.. that was cool, heh, interesting... too... <3

All right already we'll all float on...

babydoll — 2004-04-29T08:04:00-05:00

... all right already now don't you worry, we'll all float on...

Ugggg, I'm sad now. The EMT class filled up today. I knew it. I knew it would. Just my luck. There were 33 places left this morning, and only 40 places to fill. I really wanted to take it. The last week all I've really thought about it what it'd be like to just go out there and help. What kind of people I'd meet. Fuck. Anyways.
The quater is over Friday. Grades are as follows:
Art: 98%
Spanish: 94%
Enlgish: (Has to be an A, not posted yet, bad computer in there)
Math: 76.8%
Giving me a lovely 3.5. Le sigh.

I like the old song of "It's my Life". No Doubt does a decent cover of it, but the original was best. :: nods:: Yeah.. So what good do you do? Huh? He does have a point.

Tonight there was a VAPA (Visual Arts and Performing Arts) show at my Highschool. My graphite drawing was hung up, for sale for 25$. I doubt it will get sold, but it's worth the try. My father doesn't think it'll get sold either, thank you very much for the support.

We drove in my Mustang tonight, and he likes to play and go fast, well he took a turn really sharp and took out some of the curb, like a chunk. My rim is dented bad. But it't okay I suppose, I planned to buy some new rims for it when I get a job. Le sigh.

I'm thinking this weekend I'm gonna go to the Cinco De Mayo festival in Old Sacramento. Maybe get Eddie and Karleen to come with. They haven't met. So, yeah. :) It'd be fun. Even though Cinco de Mayo is on May fifth. Go figure. <3
-elle

And then there was reality check...

babydoll — 2004-05-01T07:05:00-05:00

I was so mad that I didn't get into the class. I even woke up mad. I wasn't angry grudge against my father mad, just, disappointed and frustrated.
During lunch friday, I heard that a girl named Dian had died. I didn't think it was my friend Dian, because that stuff just doesn't happen. But then in third period, I asked Jon (aka Mooseboy) if she was a senior, he said yes, and then I asked what her last name was, and it was her. It was her. I went up to Brittany, my face was so red.
B: Elle, your face is so red.
E: Oh my God, Brittany.. you know Dian...
B: Yeah.. Elle, don't cry.
E: She died, she died Brittany...
And then I went to tears. My English teacher told me I could sit outside or go to the grief counselor. Brittany came with me outside. I cried so hard. I hypervenilated, and my face was getting fuzzy, and I was close to passing out, but I made myself calm down. I sat outside from 11:30-12:40. I went back into class for the last 20 minutes and relaxed. The period ended, I went to my last class, math. I was studying for a test with Emily, who sits next to me, came and sat down.
Em: Oh my god Elle, my friend use to make fun of this girl because she had bad fashion and was really weird, and-
E: I know, she died.
Em: Oh my god, you knew her!
E: Yeah.. can you get me a kleenex? :: tears ::
That's when my math teacher saw me and had me go outside. She told me to go to the grief counselor, and I said (while trying to not hyperventilate again) that I need to take the math test, she told me not to worry and so I went and there was another girl that I sort of know there. We talked until there was ten minutes left of school. I went back, everyone stared at me. It felt weird. I have more respect for Eric. He's this kid I've had classes with since 8th grade, he's rather.. large, and calls me Cat, or El Gato enfuego (The cat is on fire). When I came back we played Uno in class since everyone took the test.
Er: Allergies bothering you, Cat?
E: Yeah, something like that.
Er: Wanna play Uno?
E: Sure.
Then on the bus he said it again when someone asked why my eyes were watery and red.
When I got home I took my contacts out and cried really hard for a bit. And I felt better. My dad came home, so I put them back in, put my make-up on, and went to see Envy. Really bad movie. Then we got some dinner from Mongolian BBQ. Good place. Headed over to Rocky plaza, got a book, rented Secondhand Lions, and bought Moulin Rouge from Blockbuster, and got a hair cut. Went home watched Secondhand Lions, went to sleep.
Today.
I got up, got dressed and called up Brittany and Edwardo to go out. We went to Arden Fair Mall.
I got:
Nintendo linear
Nintendo Duckhunt shirt
Silver sparkly nailpolish
Tellietubbies shoelaces
Hot pink shoelaces
Some pink Vans shoes
A 3-pair set of shiny flame thongs (red, blue, and silver flames)
A sympathy card for Dian's family.
I think that's it.
Then my father picked us up, and took us to Mean Girls. We watched that, which was really cool, then we dropped them off, and went home. Now I'm here. And that's about it. Yep.

Soundtrack of my life.

babydoll — 2004-05-02T11:05:00-05:00

Opening credits: Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds-The Beatles
Waking up: "What I Got"-Sublime
Average day: "Paint Pastel Princess"-Silverchair
First date: "Worked Up so Sexual"-The Faint
Falling in love: "Steller"-Incubus
Love scene: "Hey Jude"-The Beatles
Fight scene: "Time is Running Out"-Muse
Breaking up: "Golden State"-Bush
Getting back together: "If You Don't, You Don't"-Jimmy Eat World
Secret love: "Everlong"-Foo Fighters
Life's okay: "Santeria"-Sublime
Mental breakdown: "Brain Stew"-Green Day
Driving: "Last Train Home"-Lost Prophets
Learning a lesson: "Taylor"-Jack Johnson
Deep thought: "December Dreams"-Bella Morte
Flashback: "Eve"-Orgy
Partying: "Tipsy"-JKwon
Happy dance: "Color Grey"-Switchblade Symphony
Regretting: "Regrets"-The Cruxshadows
Long night alone: "Stupid Girl"-Cold
Death scene: "I Will Remember You"-Sarah McLaughclan
Closing credits: "Lift"-Flickerstick

Thanks Rob, and Rob's older brother. :*

(Insert song lyric that describes how I feel)

babydoll — 2004-05-05T03:05:00-05:00

Anyways, I feel so dumb. I spelled her name wrong. I saw her funeral notice at www.sacbee.com. Her name is spelled Dia Anne. Nice way to spell it. Her funeral is right now. It's started at 3pm. I didn't get home until 2:55, even with a ride. And I would have had to walked over to the church. So changing into something more appropriate, and walking would have taken 15 minutes, and I would have been late. :\ I gave Katie a card I got for her family, to give to them at the funeral. So, yep. I feel pretty guilty. I should of just gone as is. Blech.
Today is Cinco de Mayo. In Spanish class we had a mini fiesta. I had a handful of chips with some mild salsa, and since then my stomach has felt a little upset. Grrr.
Jarred and his sister gave me a ride home, she knew Dia Anne, too, she was debating going to the funeral. Nehh.
In math, I got my test back. :'( I got my WORST test score of the year. 59/100. I can't believe I did that bad. I think what fucked me over was that she let them use a calculator when they took it, and I was 2/3 through the test when she gave us calculators. Grrr! I can't believe I did soooo bad.

Damn right.

babydoll — 2004-05-09T08:05:00-05:00

I am Nothing!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

I don't wanna know. If you're playing me keep it on the low..

babydoll — 2004-05-09T08:05:00-05:00

... cause my heart can't take it anymore....
Andyways...
HAPPY FUCKING MOTHER'S DAY

Yeah, in general, this sucks. We drove past every goddamn "Mother's Day Brunch Special!" restraunt. I was sick of it by the time we got in the car. Not only that, but I haven't been able to listen to the fucking radio without hearing how you shouild remember Mom, and buy her a necklace, diamonds, a cell phone, a gift card, a card, anything. Along with that, I had to go to this shitty tour. It was of Feets of Clay in Lincoln, and it could of been so much better if there were more pieces, and if we didn't have an art docent who couldn't answer a single damn question. Yep. Fucking giddy right now. Grr.

"There is no King, but the king of Ice Cream"
That was the best piece of work I saw there. It was a sculpture of a man from the shoulder up. He had a puppet on his hand that was just like him, and the puppet was digging into his ear, and it was all bloody. Yep. :)

Cinnamon and sugary and softly covered lies...

babydoll — 2004-05-10T07:05:00-05:00

... you never know just how you look in someone else's eyes...
So.. this afternoon I was sorting through a couple boxes that I haven't opened since we moved from Rocklin to Roseville, and I found all of Alana's letters. I haven't talked to her since before my Mom died. Her and her family had driven through Sacramento and stopped by to say hi on January fifth, 2001. I remember because I had also gone skiing that day, heh. I've been reading through all of her letters, and she really was a good friend, despite our obvious age differences, she really has influenced me greaty. I miss her. I wish I knew where she lives. I know she married in 2001. I hope she's happy. I'm gonna write a letter to her old mailing address, maybe she keeps in contact with them, or they'll forward it to her. That'd be really nice.
Today, I've just been a little sour most of the day. Last night was full of ill-feelings toward me. Although it's denied, I sure as hell felt it. Along with her insinuating that I lie. I lie to my father, he earns it though. So today just left me really thinking things over, trying to determine what's best.

"There is no King, but the ice cream king"

Lift up your head, focus on every detail...

babydoll — 2004-05-14T10:05:00-05:00

...Why does this illision bring so much confusion when all I can dream of is you...

Fuck. I failed my math test. This is the second test I've failed, two tests in a ROW. I'm so mad. I was coming in ten minutes before school, at lunch, take notes, pay attention, and I still failed. That's what hurts the most. I tried really hard. Uggggg... On a lighter note...

I got my permit on Thursday!!!!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I can soon drive my car. It's valid as soon as I get my first driving lesson. Which means I get to have car insurance. I'm excited. I passed at the bare minimum. Hehe. I'm happy though. :D Very proud of myself. Yep. Ta da.

You treat me like I'm a princess..

babydoll — 2004-05-17T07:05:00-05:00

... and I'm not used to liking that...

I'm really liking Launchcast.com right now. It's treating me pretty nice. Things at school are good. In art I'm sort of chilling, everyone is finishing up their forgery (that I finished last week) this week. In Spanish, it was a very painful period of poor presentations. In English we read and discussed, liked that. In Math, we're doing probability, hopefully I'll master this shit. I'm crossing my fingers.
My permit won't be valid till June 10th, when I have my first lesson, rawr. :\ Today I gave my application for Petroglyph to Nathan, he said he'd give me a 'buzz' later this week. Yeah, he said buzz. I was like "Yeah, you'd be the coolest boss" I didn't say that, but I was thinking that. Hehe. This weekend was cool. Eddie and I went to see Troy. Oh my god, Brad Pitt is naked, with chicks, and I liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike it a lot. Hehe. Eddie kept trying to cover my eyes. He was nice and bought me a cherry icee. <3 Mmmmm... and when I didn't like the java bean frap, he gave me his vanilla bean one. He's such a gentlemen. I make fun of him for it. He went to senior ball! With a senior, and he's a freshman. Hehe. That's about all that's going on right now. Nothing too interesting. I really hope to get the job at Petroglyph, it'd be reaaaaaly nice. I'd make $270 if I got minimum wage and worked 40 hours a week. All of it I'd keep, government would have to give me back the 10% they took. (those bastards!) It'd almost be a dream job. I have a good feeling about this. Yep.
Oh, and only 3 weeks of school is left, I can't believe how fast this year went. It's crazy. I feel like I haven't done anything. Pretty much haven't. :\ I didn't date, didn't go to parties where a guy that thinks I'm cool was at. Oh well. Not much I can do about that.

I don't know your fucking name, so what lets fuck. All day I dream about sex. All day I dream about fucking.

Gotta love KoRn... ;)

I need to know if you were real, I'd hate to think that I'd been fooled again...

babydoll — 2004-06-11T09:06:00-05:00

...And as the vision fades, I'll say I was blinded by your eyes, I felt them burn....
So this is starting over again. A couple weeks short of a full circle. Oddly, the one before contacted me out of the blue, just to talk, and maybe more. I've gone back and forth between regretting the decision, and embracing it. Over the past weeks I had written a few lists of why, and why not. Weighed out various reasons. The whole thing had left me unhappy. 'Distances makes the heart grow fonder' applies when the person returns. I was always there, and would be content for months to just see you for a couple hours, but you feel that it wouldn't be worth it unless you got at least a full night over. My decision is selfish, but so were you. And maybe things weren't as good as you thought. One year, and you never noticed my intense dislike of Victoria, and you don't know much about me, but I don't know much about you either.
===========================================

Now, what's new:
Out of school, finally.
Art: I didn't have an art final, but my materpieces are beautiful. My final grade would be an A+, of course. He signed my year book, said I had a very sophisticated personality and taste in music.

Spanish: Well, the final was fairly easy, don't know what I got on it, but my final grade was an A. He wrote a thank you note to me thanking me for keeping him sane in the class. :)

English: Our final was a presentation on hate crimes against a specific group, I chose transgender since a really, really good friend of mine is. So I interviewed her and a made a presentation on her. It went really well, lots of people had questions, and clapped for me. I got an A+ on that, and in the class. She wrote that she wished there were more Elle's in the world, because we need them in my yearbook.

Math: Well, my teacher wrote a recomendation that I repeat Int2, but I don't want to. I got a 71% on the finale, and a C- in the class. I passed, so I'm not retaking it.

Final GPA: 3.5 <3 Go me. <3

Thursday, I had my very first driving lesson. And where does he take me? Into Citrus Heights and Carmichael, places I've been maybe twice a year. Omg, scary traffic, got cut off a lot, and wow. It's nice though. I like driving. <3
Friday I went to the Jr. High graduation. Farrett made a very nice speech, and he won an award. I love him so much. I hope he finds the boy of his dreams someday. He and I need to get close again. I miss him lots.

On Monday, I have my first job intreview with Icings. So wish me luck.

<3
elle

Hello darkness my old friend...

babydoll — 2004-06-29T07:06:00-05:00

... I've come to talk with you again because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping, and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains in the sound of silence....

So, yes, long long time, again. Not much is new. Well, I take that back, there is something new. A more active sex life. Well, active would be an understatement, and I can admit my decisions have been poor... but at least I haven't gone without a condom, or anything. It's nice to get in touch with old friends, missed the good times. But the heart ache is still there. Lots of it. Still wonder.. Oh well...
I had finally worked up enough courage to call Brett, I went to the website where his number was posted, and it was gone. :\ I dunno what to do now, I guess I could call his parents up and ask, but that'd be weird, I think. I dunno. Maybe it's a sign, or maybe I waited too long and missed my chance. I'm gonna ask my brother when he comes home if there was anything weird about Brett, he was two years younger, but who knows. :\
My brother Jon comes home for the summer the end of the week. Which puts sex on hold, but, he is rumored to be going to New York to stay with some friends of his, so that would be verrrrry good. My sissy and Wyatt are coming to stay for a couple weeks in the last week of July. I'm waaaaay excited to see them, missed my sissy a lot.
The other weekend we went to the Renaisance Faire. That place is so much fun. But then my dad brought up my Mom's necklace the went missing after the EMTs left. Of all my Mother's posessions, that's what I wanted. Her gold shamrock necklace. It was like her good luck charm. Something happened with it. The day before she died, when we were at the Tinney's for Thanksgiving, when we watched my brother's wedding video (which she was too sick to attend), she held onto me, closed her eyes, held the shamrock and rubbed it. I really want one just like it. That'd be really, really great.
Tomorrow I have my driving lesson at 8am, with traffic. Eeeeek. <3:X
Love you all<3 Except for Jim! <3 Nah, I love ya.
-Elle

She is soft, she is warm, but my heart remains heavy...

babydoll — 2004-07-05T07:07:00-05:00

...and I watch as her breast gently rise, gently fall...

Happy fourth. I stayed home. Had someone over for a bit, then I watched Degrassi Re-runs. If I had gone, they would have made me watch the ADD dog. :\ I don't like labs, they are crazy dogs. So I hung out. And then today, woke up hella late. Came to the computer, hehe, talked to a few people, showered, and waited for my dad to get back from the river. We were gonna go to the Casino for an early dinner, and they were so rude because we were like 10 minutes early. :\ So we just went back to Roseville and went to Macaroni Grille, we got the worse service yet. The waiter totally forgot about us. So that took forever and just sucked. So, blah.
I'm tired, but it's a bored tired, so I can't go to sleep. Ya know? So, oh well. Thursday I am going to Warped Tour with Stephanie, it ought to be cool. I've only been to two concerts, and the first one I didn't really care to see. :\ So this one I am excited about. <3 Tee hee. My brother Jon is suppose to come sometime this week. :\ Yuck, I think he can just stay in Montana, he drives me nuts. Acts like he is 10 and does everything he can to annoy me. :\ So, yeah, grrrr.
Awe, Rob<3 Sorry you can't get to Warped Tour, that is a real bummer. :( If you were here I'd take ya with me. Stupid work. :\ <3

"see you naked but oblvious and you don't see me. And I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel, eyes of a tragedy. Here am I expecting just a little much from the wounded. But I see, see through it all, see through, see you"
Maynard is a lyrical genious. <3

There is this place inside, where all the good things die..

babydoll — 2004-07-09T06:07:00-05:00

... sometimes I feel like a whore. I hate the way I am around you, I'm so nervous and weird...

Lets start with the good part.
Yesterday I went to Warped Tour. It was fun. It was nice to just find shade (rare) and watch everyone else go by, and whatnot. We watched Coheed and Cambria, some of Taking Back Sunday (crowd was too rough, got hit too much), then we watched New Found Glory, and Flogging Molly. Stephanie helped out with some guy's booth that she loved. I bought a tee shirt from there for Brittany. Monster Energy Drink had a contest. I qualified by being the first one to remove the shoelaces from my Vans sneakers. Go me. The contest was to chug an entire thing of Monster. Heh, I got a free tee shirt, it was sort of gross though. I came in second to this guy was like a foot and a half taller than me, lol. We saw a few people, it was fun.
Today, finally saw Kevin after he flaked twice on me, had a good time there. My brother came home, blah, he sucks for being here, he drives me nuts. Annnnnd, my dad came home in a bad mood, put me in a bad mood. Which doesn't help me at all. :\ Ugggghhhh...............
Love me?

Go me. <3

babydoll — 2004-07-11T12:07:00-05:00

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She don't know that it's all about her....

babydoll — 2004-07-13T10:07:00-05:00

... she don't know I can't live with out her...
<3 I <3 this song lots. It's sweet.
Anyhoo, what's new?
Well, my brother Jon is home for the summer, which means no more messing around.I have a job interview tomorrow for !safeway! grocery store. How horrible is that? I honestly do not want to bag groceries, that was like, the one place I did a half ass job filling out the application. So, yeah, guess I'll just give it my best, and hope not to get it. Although, I don't really have much else to do. :\
While we were at the grocery store the other day, I was picking up a 4-pack of bottled carbonated juice stuff, and all four dropped out the bottom, and I got a piece of glass stuck in my hand, a very small annoying shard that I couldn't quite pick out.
Well, then my dermatologist appointment came up, so I decided to ask her to remove it while I was there instead of having to go to my regular doctor. It was pretty much my 6 month acne check-up combined with my mysterious rash-like stuff going on with my neck, shoulders, and some of my chest. She took a scrape sample from my shoulder, and ruled out any yeast like thing, or something easy to identify. Then she said it could be something like the scars on my back from the ?morpheous? thingy.
So, the first thing they took care of was the glass in my hand. The nurses assistant (she was hella nice) laid everything out. There was a few things I didn't recognize, but I did see, a scalpal, needle, stuff for stitches, and the containers for my samples, hehe. Miniature pee cups. Well, she gave me a shot of local anesthetic that actually hurt, then she just cut out a big chunk, and sewed me up, that was sick. She pretty much did the same thing for my neck. So yeah, I'll get my test results in two weeks when I go back to get my stitches taken out. Fun stuff.
In a week, my sister comes to visit with my nephew and nephew on the way. <3 Woo hoo.
So, if anyone wants pics of my awesome stitches, feel free to leave a comment with an email dress, and I'll send them.
:D

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